Putting your love affair on hold this Christmas might save your marriage

Christmas is a particularly trying time if your marriage is in crisis, but can be even more difficult if you’re enmeshed in an adulterous relationship.

 

There are many reasons why marriages break down, but adultery the most common trigger. A spouse can forgive many things, but sexual infidelity is one of the hardest to overcome.

 

Having an affair requires deceit and secrecy, which are a lot easier to organise when you’re away from the family unit. ‘Working late at the office’ is an excuse trotted out by countless errant spouses as a cover for their adulterous shenanigans.

 

Then holiday time looms and their reasons for not being at home instantly dry up. Christmas, the most family-orientated holiday of all, is a testing time for those who are embroiled in an illicit affair of the heart.

 

If this is you, then read on.

 

The enforced break in extra-marital relations can be a curse or a blessing. You are unlikely to be able to see your lover, so you might desperately miss them and be preoccupied over the holiday. On the other hand, the Festive Season might enable you look at your family objectively and appreciate them anew.

 

An affair doesn’t have to spell the death knell for a marriage – particularly if you don’t get found out. Buy your lover’s present with cash and throw away the receipt. Resist the urge to send him or her a text message on Christmas Day: who else would you be contacting at such a time?

 

Use the time away from your lover to think through whether the affair means much more than exciting sex and, if it doesn’t, whether it’s worth the hassle and pain it would cause all those involved if it was discovered.

 

Think rationally about whether the grass really would be greener on the other side: your clandestine relationship might be thrilling, but will your passion and emotion stand the test of time?

 

If you suspect this is your last Christmas with the family and are contemplating a new life with your lover, bear in mind that in five years’ time your new Christmas family will be very similar to the one you have now. The effort you’ll have to put into the new relationship could be channelled into the present one.

 

Furthermore, if you’re the main breadwinner, bear this in mind – if you stay married you stay richer. Divorce will divest you of up to half your financial assets.

 

Adultery happens, and will always happen, but often people get caught up in the headiness of forbidden love and lose sight of what’s at stake if their dalliance is revealed.

 

So use this Christmas as a time for a bit of soul-searching, and remember New Year is about new starts – such as injecting new life into your marriage.

A good marriage is best, but a good divorce can be better

Tory leader David Cameron this week signalled he is ready to introduce tax breaks for married couples on the back of a major party report warning that family breakdown and debt are out of control.

 

‘If marriage rates went up, if divorce rates came down, if more couples stayed together for longer, would our society be better off? My answer is yes,’ stated Mr Cameron.

 

I concur heartily with his sentiments: I have seen, in more than 25 years as a divorce lawyer, just how wretched the divorce process can be, let alone the long-term financial, social, emotional and educational ramifications of family breakdown. I may earn my living from easing couples through the legal minefield of divorce, but it’s no coincidence that I’ve written a book entitled How NOT to Get Divorced After Christmas. I know how far-reaching the consequences of marital disintegration are and appreciate how important it is for marriages to survive.

 

On the other hand, I also know that divorce is sometimes the lesser evil: whatever the ‘experts’ say, I see no merit in holding together a miserable or destructive relationship in the misguided belief that a greater good will be served by doing so.

 

Sometimes, divorce is the best thing that can happen to a family. How can a household in which a husband and wife are forever rowing be better than two single parent units where peace reigns?

 

Mr Cameron might be right to talk up marriage, but his remarks aren’t hugely helpful to those of you whose marriages are on the verge of collapse or have already disintegrated.

 

If you fall into these categories, don’t be alarmed – or feel guilty – about the Tory leader’s comments. However much the political parties try to bolster matrimony, wedded bliss will end in tears for many thousands of couples each and every year, whatever the tax breaks on offer.

 

What the likes of Mr Cameron will never say (and why should they?) is that it is possible to have a ‘good’ divorce, by which I mean a separation that leaves both parties financially solvent, not too emotionally battered and with their children feeling philosophical, reassured even, rather than traumatised.

 

Where I and other good matrimonial lawyers come into our own is to steer separating couples through the process of dismantling their marriage with a minimum of stress, acrimony and anxiety.  

 

There are divorce lawyers out there who perceive their role to be an adversarial rather than conciliatory one, which can turn an amicable divorce into a ‘tooth and nail’ fight in the courts.

 

My firm believes in making the divorce process as smooth and un-stressful as such a difficult process can surely be.

 

We understand that both parties, whatever their circumstances, need to be provided for financially and with their reputations and self-esteem intact.

 

This is not always easy, of course, but the sensitive handling of a divorce can make the difference between someone starting a new life feeling energised, reassured and complete to someone embarking on a half-life, feeling let down, frustrated and bitter.

 

As for the ‘plight’ of children involved in divorce, which Mr Cameron is right to highlight, if the process is done ‘right’ then youngsters can benefit and thrive rather than be consigned to the pit of delinquency and despair.

 

• * My book, How NOT to Get Divorced After Christmas, is available free of charge. Please phone 0121 248 4001 or email Birmingham@benussilaw.co.uk.
• To download the Men's edition of the book click here
• To download the Women's edition of the book click here

Why divorce doesn't have to mean a broken Christmas

Christmas can be a stressful time even for happy families, but for fragmented ones it is often little short of a nightmare.

Quite apart from a ‘deserted’ spouse feeling emotionally bereft at the most family-orientated celebration of the year, the logistics of organising which parent should have the kids over the Festive Season can be traumatic.

The one thing you must never, ever do if your family unit has been ruptured by divorce or separation is to agree to a ‘handover’ of children on Christmas Day. This simply doesn’t work. It leaves the kids confused and upset and, as a consequence, no one enjoys the event.

Far better, in my opinion, is to agree with your estranged or ex-spouse that you’ll have the children every other Christmas. In the year you’re not having them, host a ‘tinsel and turkey’ weekend in mid-December instead, so that you get to share the excitement and enjoyment of Christmas, albeit ahead of time.

I know these work, because I’ve done them. So convincingly did I do it one year that when I heard people talking about their plans for Christmas, I was momentarily stunned: I’d done Christmas already!

I can only report that it worked remarkably well. Not only did I get to pull crackers and set fire to the Christmas pud with my kids, when the ‘real’ Christmas arrived, I had lots of invitations to drinks parties and meals which I was able to accept readily because I was a free agent. My children were with their father and I was able to enjoy the Festive Season as a grown-up. And my kids seemed none the worse for the experience of having two Christmases!

I have tried the alternative, too. I’ve sat round a Christmas lunch table with relatives and, as the handover hour approached, found myself getting increasingly tense. My parents, who hadn’t seen their son-in-law for a long time and were keen to do so, were also on tenterhooks: would they be seen as disloyal if they gave him a hug? The children were also ill at ease. They were careful not to appear over-eager to see their dad, yet at the same time not too unwilling to greet him. The tension was palpable and I wouldn’t recommend such a scenario to anyone.

So, if this is your first post-divorce Christmas, get organised. For those of you with children, take tips from what I’ve written above and resolve to make the best of Christmas through your kids’ eyes – even if they’re not physically with you – rather than your own.

For those of you without children to worry about, book yourself into a health farm, head off to warmer climes or get yourself invited to join in with the celebrations of close friends or relatives, where you will feel wanted and cherished. Don’t – and I stress don’t – agree to spend Christmas with your ‘nearest’ if you find them hugely irritating or unsympathetic. Being on your own is always preferable to being ‘alone’ in a crowd.

Lastly, never lose sight of the fact that New Year is just round the corner and that it is the ideal time to begin life afresh.