How to cope when your "ex" finds somebody else

Most of us, thank goodness, won't ever have to suffer the ignominy of being goaded into head-butting our love rival on a TV chat show, as happened to security guard David Staniforth.

Mr Staniforth attacked his wife's lover, Larry Mahoney, in front of a studio audience on ITV's The Jeremy Kyle Show.

It wasn't only the judge who felt sorry for him – he escaped with a £300 fine when he appeared in court this week – he surely had the sympathy of most people who read the story.

One of the most difficult aspects of marital breakdown is the possibility of your ex falling in love with someone else. Whatever your feelings towards your former spouse, it's never easy to hear about them finding happiness with a new partner. Such a situation can be complicated further if there are children involved: how to explain to the kids that Daddy is in love with someone who isn't Mummy?

There is no easy answer to how best to deal with the kinds of emotions that are likely to bubble up when you first learn that your former love has found a new relationship.

Jealousy could well be the first feeling that hits you and unless subdued or managed can be extremely destructive. Whilst it's only natural to feel upset and angry, you need to focus on the fact that if you're divorced, it's highly likely that both you and your ex will meet someone else eventually.

So, if you're newly separated, confront the situation in your mind before it happens. Try to feel easy – or, at least, resigned – about the idea of your ex being with someone else and, if you have children, introduce the subject when you feel the time is right, so they are as prepared as any child can be for such an eventuality.

When it happens, and however resentful you feel, do not resort to "revenge" tactics: being nasty won't make you feel any better and will serve only to chill relations further between you and your ex.

Concentrate, instead, on the possibility that you, too, will meet someone else and try to wish your former partner well. Focus, too, on the fact that your children are likely to benefit from having a parent who is once again in a happy relationship.

Remember, you don't have to put yourself through the agony of seeing your former spouse and their new partner together: if you can't handle it, arrange that only your ex arrives to pick up the kids or that the new love isn't around when you collect them.

In short, behave in a dignified manner, even if you are seething inside. And see your ex's new partnership as another signal that life after divorce moves onwards and upwards – not just for them but also for you.