What to do if your ex doesn't want to see the children

When couples with dependent children divorce, the legal process may be driven as much by contact issues as by money.

However, there are cases where one parent decides to absent themselves from the children’s lives or whose contact visits peter out over time.

It goes without saying that if a parent disappears or becomes unwilling or unable to see their children on a regular basis, the kids suffer.

There are lots of reasons why a previously loving parent decides to bow out of their children’s lives – either suddenly or gradually – but it is rarely because they don’t care. It could be that they can’t face the responsibility of looking after their children, even on a part-time basis, on their own. It might be that they find it too emotionally painful to have to deal with their ex-spouse to organise contact visits. It might even be a matter of practicality: that they are constantly travelling with their job and so aren’t able to agree a regular schedule of contact visits.

Whatever the reason, children are likely to be deeply upset and will often blame themselves.

If you are the carer-parent, how do you deal with your children’s confusion and misery in a way that doesn’t exacerbate their suffering?

If a child feels rejected and unloved by an absent parent, it’s difficult to convince them that Mum or Dad loves them very much but can’t be in touch with them right now. However feckless or aberrant your ex-partner’s behaviour, to convey this to your children is likely to add to, rather than reduce, their unhappiness and bewilderment.

My advice is to be as honest as you can, but to temper that honesty with empathy and sensitivity. You may be boiling over with rage inside, but don’t let the kids see that. Make sure you emphasise that the child isn’t at fault and just because Mummy or Daddy doesn’t come to see them doesn’t mean he or she doesn’t love them.

Demonstrate at every opportunity your own love for your children and stress that you are there for them anytime, anywhere. Kids crave security, so make sure they feel safe and protected all the time by you. Done effectively, this will go some way to making up for the gap their absent parent has left in their lives.

You can also try to redeem the situation by getting in touch with your ex in a bid to resolve the problems that have caused the loss of contact. If direct contact between the two of you is unrealistic, you might want to consider involving a family mediator.

It’s important not to blame yourself for your ex’s disappearance or sporadic appearances. If you do, that is likely to rub off on the children.

At the end of day, you are not responsible for the behaviour of your former spouse. You can only do your best for your children on a daily basis, be there for them and listen to them when they are upset over the loss of their other parent.