Guilty - but don't let blame wreck your marriage

Last weekend marked the first anniversary of Madeleine McCann’s disappearance from her family’s holiday apartment in Portugal. The four-year-year was apparently abducted while her parents dined at a tapas bar nearby.

This week, also in Portugal, a couple from Northern Ireland, Eamon and Antoinette McGuckin, allegedly collapsed drunk in front of their three young children after a night out. The youngsters were temporarily taken into care.

In both cases, the couples involved made a mistake – the McCanns shouldn’t have left their three young children alone in an unlocked apartment and the McGuckins shouldn’t have drunk so much alcohol they were incapable of looking after their offspring.

Yet however serious these “crimes” are perceived, the fact is that everyone makes mistakes. Most errors don’t have catastrophic results, and are quietly forgotten, but when they do, it is understandable for those responsible to berate themselves – and each other – to an unbearable degree. But feelings of guilt and blame are destructive emotions and, if allowed to spiral, can damage a marital relationship to such an extent that it runs the risk of falling apart.

It can be very difficult to restrain yourself from blaming your partner when a mistake – made singly or jointly – has tragic consequences, but it is important to keep in mind that to err is part of the human condition.

To blame your partner or become mired in self-reproach is erosive: not only does it not redeem the situation, it can make that situation a whole lot worse, especially where there are young children involved.

When misadventure strikes, it is crucial to not lose sight of the fundamental relationship you have with your spouse. If it was good before, then it can be good again – given time – and to throw it away on the basis of remorse and accusation is counter-productive. A far more positive approach is to learn from your mistakes by, say, making lifestyle changes, to ensure they are not repeated. If you feel you need outside help to do this, consider undergoing joint counselling.

Feel guilt over your errors, certainly, but don’t let them wreck your relationship.