How not to get divorced (for the sake of the kids)

The Government has pledged to take action to stem the surge in knife crime that has claimed the lives of more than 20 teenagers in London alone this year, including forcing youngsters caught carrying knives to visit stabbing victims in hospital.

However stringent the measures introduced, I doubt they will have much, if any, effect, because they will be doing little more than putting a sticking plaster over a gaping wound. And that gaping wound is the collapse of traditional family life.

It is no coincidence that the majority of teenagers who get caught up in knife wielding gangs are, it appears, from broken homes – in particular families where the father doesn’t play a major role.

Unless managed well – which is entirely possible – the breakdown of marriages and long term relationships can have a catastrophic effect on children.

I would never urge a client to remain in a deeply unhappy or violent marriage, but I do think far too many marriages disintegrate because people aren’t willing to settle for a less-than-ideal existence. Personal expectation is so high these days that at the first sign of trouble, some couples head for the divorce courts rather than trying to work out their problems or, simply, live with them.

Although I believe children can suffer more if a warring couple stay together rather than if they split up, I also believe that lots of relationships could be managed sufficiently to allow children to be brought up by both parents in the same house, which – statistics and research imply – is better for children’s wellbeing.

Although a truly happy partnership is the ideal, it is possible to live reasonably contentedly in a far-from-perfect relationship. And if your children are going to benefit from this arrangement, surely that’s as good a reason as any to stick with it.

Here are some suggestions on how to stay married to Mr or Ms Not-Quite-Right:

• If you can accept your marriage isn’t the fairytale you imagined it would be, it is far easier to put up with the problem areas, such as your husband spending most evenings at the pub or your wife’s failings in the kitchen. Resigning yourself to the idea that “this is as good as it gets” might help to curb your yearnings for something better

• Pour your love and your energy into the kids rather than trying to restore the magic you and your spouse once shared. Romantic love can be fleeting; parental love is forever

• It is possible to live together, yet alone. If you really don’t enjoy each other’s company any more, attempt to live under the same roof while leading largely separate lives, coming together only for family activities

• If you have dependent children, try to resolve your difficulties in the short term with a view to going your separate ways when the children have flown the nest

• Depending on the size of your garden, erect a shed or summer house that can be used by one partner as a bolt-hole when things get fraught

• If your marital problems are caused by the fact you get under each other’s feet and therefore on each other’s nerves, encourage your spouse to take up a hobby or interest that gets them out of the house – and you do the same (but on different days/evenings!)

• Instead of focusing on all the things that are wrong with your relationship, make an effort to identify shared points of interest – be it gardening, watching old movies or DIY – and make more of them

• If you really can’t stomach being in the same house, suggest you stay married but that one of you rents or buys a house or apartment nearby, so the kids can come and go between the two properties on an almost daily basis, thus minimising the physical and emotional disruption often caused by separation

How to not let the economy credit crunch your relationships

You may not yet be feeling the effects of the credit crunch too badly, but according to a Chambers of Commerce report, full-blown recession is only months away and almost everyone will have to tighten their purse strings.

Financial difficulties are a major source of marital strife and for a relationship that’s already in trouble, unemployment, debt and a significant drop in disposable income could help push it over the edge. If you’re an “absent” parent, a slimmed down bank balance can – on the surface at least – adversely affect your contact time with the children.

Yet however dire the finances are, there are ways to get around them so that your marriage and your relationship with the kids don’t go down the pan along with the economy. Having a good time isn’t dependent on money; often the things in life that are free turn out to be the most satisfying. Here are a few tips that I hope might be helpful:

Your marriage

•        Expensive restaurant meals and theatre visits aren’t the only ways to spend quality time with your partner: how about walking or driving to a rural spot on a clear summer’s night and looking at the stars together; borrowing the same book from the library, reading it snuggled up on the sofa and then discussing it at length, or listening to music you both enjoy and talking about why it moves you. Cooking a meal together at home can be far more intimate than sitting in a sterile restaurant thinking of things to talk about, as can repainting a room, rather than getting a decorator in

•        Sit down with your spouse and make a list of how each of you can cut back on expenditure

•        If money is a real problem, consider downsizing to a smaller property: it’s not the house that matters; it’s the people living in it. If you fear your home won’t sell, think about having a lodger, which might inject not only extra income but also a new dynamic

•        If you can’t afford your usual summer holiday, plan a few day trips instead or explore the possibility of house-swapping with friends

•        Challenge each other to cook a three-course meal for under a tenner and treat yourselves to a good bottle of wine to go with it

•        Swap designer stores for charity shops and Waitrose for Aldi: you might be pleasantly surprised and the discovery will be a shared adventure

Your kids

•        Writing your kids a letter or card is cheaper than sending them a series of text messages – and much more personal

•        If you live a long way away from your children and can’t afford to see them as frequently because of the travel costs, take a couple of days off work either side of the weekend so you can see them for longer

•        Remember that money doesn’t buy love: you might like to shower your kids with gifts each time you see them, but what they really want is you. Make up for the lack of presents by giving them your presence

•        Think of activities you can do with your children that don’t involve spending money – a walk in the park, a cycle ride, an afternoon playing cops and robbers (if that’s still acceptable in these politically correct times), a painting competition or a trip to a free activity session at the local library

•        Counter your kids’ disappointment over the fact you can’t afford to take them out for a meal by rustling up something together at home, which can be much more fun

•        If your finances don’t allow you to take the children on holiday, see if it’s possible for them to accompany you to the office for a week. Devise jobs for them to do and make them feel like mini entrepreneurs. They’ll love it.