When your marriage ends, it may be your most fervent wish
never to clap eyes on your ex again. However, if you have
children, there are bound to be occasions - school events,
graduation ceremonies, weddings and so on - when the two of
you will be in the same room together. Difficult though such
events can be, at least you have the luxury of preparing
mentally for the meeting well in advance.
What, though, if you have cut all ties with your former
husband and then, many years later, unexpectedly run into
him? It's a small world, as they say, so it's possible that
however carefully you strive to avoid a chance encounter,
one day, there he will be - in the same theatre bar, on the
same train or in the same holiday resort.
One reason un-looked for meetings are far from uncommon is
that two people who were once married are likely to share an
interest, hobby or business connection. So, for instance, if
you enjoyed bird-watching together, it's entirely feasible
that you walk into a hide on the Norfolk Broads to find your
ex gazing through a pair of binoculars.
If you are both on your own when it happens, it can be
awkward enough; if one of you is with a new partner, the
meeting has the potential to be excruciatingly uncomfortable
and emotionally disturbing. At worst, it can lead to the
unravelling of years of self-healing and take you back to
the dark days of your marriage breakdown.
While you can't plan for an accidental encounter in the same
way you can steel yourself to see your ex at your child's
wedding, it's a good idea to contemplate the possibility of
it happening, because even if you are confident you're
"over" him, discovering him sitting at the next table can
give you an emotional jolt.
My advice is to imagine the worst-case scenario - such as
seeing him smooching with a new partner at a corporate
dinner dance or bumping into him as he's shepherding his
young family into an airport queue - and mentally plan your
coping strategy.
This might involve totally ignoring him. You mustn't feel
guilty or childish if you think this one is for you; if it's
the most helpful then it's perfectly okay. Otherwise, you
might feel able to greet him civilly, if not cordially, and
ask after his wellbeing in a way that is bland enough to
deter a flood of personal details, which you might prefer
not to know about.
These days, of course, we are all supposed to be "grown up"
in such situations, so you may want to acknowledge your
ex-husband with a hug, a breezy "let's grab a coffee and
catch up" and engage in a natter about what's happened to
each of you in the intervening years. I suggest, though,
that you only risk this if you are really sure the
relationship is well and truly behind you - or if you have
the confidence to carry it off, whatever you feel inside.
One way to develop that confidence is to rehearse what you
will say if you do bump into him - something along the lines
of "how lovely to see you - it's been so long", as if you
are genuinely, but disinterestedly, pleased to see him. You
can also make it your life's mantra to do everything as if
you expect to come face to face with him - look your
absolute best, even if you're only going out to the corner
shop, and always have a smile on your lips. Adopting such a
strategy won't just impress your former husband; it will
help you move through life in a different, more positive
way.
Next week: We'll meet again - even if we don't want to - for
men
