Christmas might still be a month away, but if you’re divorced with dependent children it’s not too soon to start making detailed plans for how you will spend the Festive Season.
Yuletide arrangements can cause headaches for the happiest of families, so it’s imperative for those whose units have been fractured by divorce or separation to start planning carefully, long before the holiday season arrives, exactly what will happen when, where and with whom. You may feel like burying your head under the duvet for most of December, but if you don’t take the initiative, you run the risk of making a difficult situation a good deal worse.
The big question to be addressed is who will get to spend Christmas Day with the kids? Unless your relationship with your ex (or soon-to-be ex) is especially cordial, you can’t both have them, so it’s wise to start thinking about the logistics now, rather than leaving them until the last minute and causing yourself – and the rest of the family – unnecessary angst and stress.
Make sure you contact your former partner – either in person or through a third party – by the beginning of December to discuss arrangements. However hard it may be, try not to be too dogmatic: remember, Christmas isn’t confined to December 25 – these days it starts before Christmas Eve and continues until New Year – so there’s plenty of scope for organising festive celebrations even if your ex wants to be with the children on Christmas Day.
The ideal scenario is for you to have the kids on the “big day” one year and your former spouse the next. Don’t, whatever you do, organise a half-and-half arrangement for Christmas Day: the chances are it will wreck the occasion for everyone, both logistically and emotionally.
If your ex is pushing to have the children on December 25, plan an alternative Christmas Day on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. If this isn’t possible, splash out on a “tinsel and turkey” day a week or fortnight before. Instead of dwelling on the downsides of such an unorthodox arrangement, focus on the upsides – there won’t be a mad rush on food in the shops, the children won’t be hyper and the latest “must-have” toys won’t have sold out.
There are other advantages, too. Once the “turkey and tinsel” day is over, you can concentrate on yourself – which isn’t something that’s generally possible over Christmas. While everyone else is running around like a headless turkey, you can luxuriate in some well-earned “me” time. Book a place at a friend or relative’s dinner table, treat yourself to a spa break or just settle down on the sofa in front the telly at home with a festive ready meal and a bottle of something rather grand.
In short, if you’re going to be child-free this Christmas, however painful that might seem, make the most of it. There will be plenty of time in the New Year to make it up to the kids.
• Next week: how grandparents can ease the strain of Christmas
