Why a mediocre Christmas can cause a New Year marriage crunch

With just days to go until Christmas, stress levels
will be starting to rise. Presents yet to be bought, family
get-together arrangements still to be finalised and meal
plans only at the drawing board stage. The logistical
nightmare that overshadows many people's Yuletide can take
away much of the pleasure of this supposedly peaceful and
happy time.

Fractured families often feel the burden of forced Christmas
jollity most keenly, but it's far from plain sailing for
unified ones.

I often hear people - women, mostly - talking about their
dread of the Festive Season and how they long for everything
to be "back to normal" once it's all over for another year.

Interestingly, I hear almost as often those same people say,
afterwards, that, actually, Christmas was a lot better than
they expected. In fact, it was pretty much okay.

I use the word "interestingly", because when people talk
like this, it makes me wonder at the state of their
marriages. Despite the organisational stresses and strains,
Christmas should be a time to really relish being with your
nearest and dearest. If your overriding reaction is that it
was "okay", perhaps your relationship with your partner
isn't everything you imagined it was.

Put it this way: if the most magical family holiday period
of the year is simply mediocre, then maybe your marriage is
in serious trouble.

Without wishing to pre-empt the situation, I suggest that if
Christmas proves a damp squib this year, it might be that in
the New Year you need to take a long, hard look at your
marriage.

You may decide to work at improving the relationship - you
know the drill; counselling etc - or you may decide that
"okay" isn't good enough. Whatever conclusion you reach, the
beginning of a new year is a good time to plan a fresh
start.

You may think that because of the recession there's little
choice but to put up with a poor relationship - you and your
spouse simply can't afford to split up.

The fact is that credit crunch or no credit crunch,
marriages will continue to break down and couples will
continue to build new lives for themselves. Money and
property are important, of course, but what is more
important is whether or not you're happy. If your marriage
doesn't fizz even amidst the Christmas lights, it is time to
take stock of what really matters.

Time – the most valuable Christmas gift of all (and it doesn’t cost a penny)

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there was a special present you could give your children or grandchildren this Christmas – a gift that would provide fun and laughter all year long and didn’t cost money?

Well, there is – and it’s called “time”.

With the credit crunch forcing many of us to rein in our spending, it occurred to me that instead of buying kids expensive toys they’ll no doubt get bored with pretty quickly, we could instead present them with a 2009 diary or journal and a pack of cards. Sounds strange? Let me explain.

As a pack contains 52 cards – and there are 52 weeks in a year – you stick on to each card (and a page in the journal) a label detailing a corresponding activity or an outing tailored to the child’s age. For example, the one of hearts might say “a hug from Mummy”, the King of Spades could state “A day at the beach with Grandma and Grandpa” and the ace of clubs might offer “one hour playing board games.”

Each week throughout the coming year the child “spends” the cards and records in the diary – with words, pictures and even photographs – all the different things they’ve done. At the end of year, they will have a lasting memento of 52 weeks in which they received the most valuable gift a parent or grandparent can give – their time.

What is so great about a present like this is that it builds into our busy lives a parcel of time that is dedicated solely to our child or grandchild. We might think we give that child our time already – but if we’re simply sitting in the same room while they watch television and we send text messages, we’re not interacting or bonding in a meaningful way.

By writing out “promises” on cards, it makes us carry them out, even if there are a hundred and one other things we feel we should be doing. After all, there are few things more important than deepening our relationships with our children or grandchildren through “face to face” time.

A “time” gift can be especially beneficial if a marriage is in difficulty. Parents can be so taken up with their own problems that they overlook the needs of their children. Similarly, marriage breakdown can – either deliberately or inadvertently – push grandparents out of the picture.

Promising to spend quality time every week of the coming year with a child commits you to organising your lifestyle in such a way that makes it possible. If, for instance, you are a grandparent who lives a long way away from your grandchild, you might arrange to see them for a weekend every month, during which you “spend” the preceding four cards’ worth of activities.

If you’re a parent struggling to maintain your marriage, getting your spouse to join you in giving a “time” gift to your child could go some way to improving your relationship. Even something as simple as a game of snap could help to remind you that you are a family. And you might decide you still want to be a family by the time the journal is completed at the end of the year.

How to stop adultery ruining your kids' Christmas

Gordon Ramsay may be able to serve up a gourmet feast on Christmas Day, but whether his Yuletide will be full of joy and peace is rather more debatable. The TV chef has been embroiled in allegations of a seven-year affair and one can only imagine the effect on his wife and four children.

When the first tabloid headlines hit the newsstands, Gordon's wife, Tana, appeared, smiling, by his side in a public show of unity. The message was clear - she was standing by her man. A few weeks on, that seems still to be the case.

Yet however determined Tana is to hang on to her marriage (friends say she is "resigned" to her husband's "roving eye"), her emotions are likely to be all over the place.

Even if she believes the claims to be untrue, the allegations will have rocked the Ramsay household to its core.

Tana won't be the only spouse facing this Christmas knowing or suspecting that their partner has been having an extra-marital dalliance.

Christmas, as I've said often before, is a stressful time for even the happiest of families; for those who are experiencing emotional upheaval, it can become an excruciating ordeal. If it's just you and your spouse, it's possible simply to scrub the celebrations. If there are children involved, that isn't an option. Somehow, even if your heart is breaking, you have to "do" Christmas for the kids' sake.

So how do you get through it without falling to pieces? Here are a few ideas that might help to see you through the Festive Period with your dignity and the wellbeing of your children intact:

• Make a pact with your spouse. Agree that you are going to put your troubles to one side and play happy families for the duration of Christmas and New Year
• Make your partner promise not to contact - or becontacted by - his or her lover during the holiday. No emails, no text messages, no mobile phone calls
  
• Where possible, adjust your plans so they include additional friends and relatives to help diffuse the potentially tense atmosphere
• Resolve to lay off the alcohol. Booze will loosenyour inhibitions and heighten your frayed emotions
• Focus your mind on the children. Put all your energy and emotion into ensuring they have a magical Christmas
• Devise festive activities to do on your own with the kids. Take them to a carol service, a Christmas market or a Santa's grotto - things that will get you out of the house without it being obvious you are trying to avoid being with your partner
• Fantasise. Make a plan - in your head or in writing - of what you want the New Year to bring. That might be a resolved life with your partner or a life, full of new possibilities, on your own. Work out a strategy for making the dream a reality
• Remind yourself that Christmas doesn't last verylong. It will be over soon and when it is you can get down to the business of sorting out your problems
• Take time out for yourself. Whatever the demandsplaced upon you, make sure you plan into your Christmas schedule some time when you can escape the family melee - go for a walk, read a book in your bedroom, visit friends or log on to Facebook
• Don't bottle it up. Confide in a friend or relative - it won't spoil their Christmas but it may make yours a little easier to bear

I'm aware this advice won't solve the problem of a partner's infidelity - real or imagined - but it might help you have a more sanguine Christmas than you imagined was possible. And the kids might have a truly merry one.