How a credit crunch marriage split could save....your marriage!

I realise the title of this week’s blog entry looks a little strange – contradictory in fact – but there is method in my madness!

Last week’s posting was about how the credit crunch is forcing an increasing number of divorced couples to continue living together because they are unable to sell the marital home and so divide their assets. I gave some tips on how to survive living under the same roof as your ex.

The fact is, however, that if you are able to put up with sharing a home with your former partner, then perhaps you shouldn’t have split up in the first place! After all, if your relationship has faltered to the extent you want out, I find it hard to imagine how you could stomach bumping into your ex-spouse in the kitchen every morning.

Obviously, though, some people are managing to do this – and I think I know why. It’s all about boundaries. Last week I advised no-longer-together couples still living in the same house to draw up a plan of how the arrangement would work – and stick to it. Basically, it centred on respecting each other’s personal space, organising when one of you would use the cooker in an evening or the washing machine at weekends – that kind of thing.

It strikes me that in many marriages there is a lack of boundaries – in other words, there isn’t enough respect for each other’s space as an individual. Of course, marriage is about sharing and happily married couples enjoy doing things together. I do think, though, that there is a certain amount of pressure to share everything, and that isn’t always healthy. Everyone needs to be themselves – and be on their own – from time to time. For example, one partner might fancy a fish and chip supper and an evening in front of the telly, while the other may favour a pasta meal and a cosy chat over a bottle of wine. Often, one spouse gives in to the other in order to maintain domestic harmony.

If, then, you are one of those estranged or divorced partners still living with your ex and the situation is tolerable, I would urge you to consider revisiting the relationship. Ask yourself why, if you can live in the same house without coming to blows, you couldn’t resurrect the relationship? By that, I don’t mean returning to the marriage as it was, but starting again, this time on a different footing – one that builds in boundaries that maybe weren’t there before.

It is surely worth a try: after all, with the credit crunch having given way to full-blown recession, it could be months – years even – before you are able to sell the marital home. It therefore makes sense to explore the possibility of salvaging your relationship. If you believe there is even the smallest pin prick of light at the end of the tunnel, my advice is that you and your ex take it really slowly – continue to live separately under the same roof but, for example, agree to share a meal once a week or even arrange to go out together, say to the cinema (where there’s no need to talk) every weekend. If you have children still at home, organise regular family outings or activities. You may find that, actually, you and your ex quite like each other after all.

A prolonged period of estranged cohabitation might also open your eyes to the possibility that the grass isn’t necessarily greener on the other side – getting back into the dating game can be a depressing business. It’s likely that after a few dates, you start to appreciate what you once had at home.
Remember, too, that if you are able to breathe new life into your seemingly dead marriage, NOT having to sell the house and divide your assets when the property market recovers will leave you much better off financially.