A bad marriage can seriously damage your health – if you’re a woman

A few months after an Italian study found that the strain of having an affair can cause a potentially fatal aneurysm, there is evidence that an unhappy marriage can also take a toll on people’s health.

According to US psychologists, women are more likely than men to suffer damage to their health from being in a strained relationship. Researchers discovered that women in tense marriages were prone to risk factors for heart disease, stroke and diabetes. In comparison, husbands seemed relatively immune from such problems.

The study, presented to the American Psychosomatic Society, found that both men and women in difficult marriages were more likely to be depressed, but men didn’t show signs of physiological damage to their health.

Taking into account previous research that indicates people in happy marriages can expect to enjoy better health and life expectancy than those who are single, this new study isn’t so surprising.

But why would women suffer succumb to poor health and not men?

Christine Northam, a counsellor for the charity Relate, says the gender difference could be partly due to the fact that women's hormonal profile is more complex than men's. “Women also tend to worry more about their health than men," she adds.

My experience suggests there’s a little more to it. Women are not very good at detaching themselves from what is going on at home, even when they’re knee-deep in work at the office. Men, on the other hand, have more of an ability to “switch off”.

Being the more emotional of the sexes, women feel everything deeply – especially when their marriage is likely to be the most important element of their life. Their nurturing, nesting instincts permeate the whole of their existence so that, if there are problems at home, they struggle to operate effectively in other areas. Men can more easily push marital strife to the back of their minds while thrashing out business deals or playing golf with their mates. Hence, I suspect, women are more likely to become ill.

In my nearly 30 years in the divorce business, I have seen women in miserable marriages physically wilting; I have seen those same women flowering with new life after their divorces have been completed.

Women are more likely than men to stick out a failing relationship for the sake of the children or because they fear financial difficulties if they leave. What many don’t realise – and what this latest study highlights – is that by doing so they may be compromising their long-term health.

Whilst it is understandable – laudable even – for wives to try to make their marriages work against the odds, there has to come a point when they realise enough is enough.

If you suspect your health problems may be linked to your unhappy marriage, it might be time to consider extricating yourself from the relationship. The emotional scars may take a long time to heal, but your physical health may improve as a result. And the better you feel physically, the stronger you will be to deal with the psychological fallout.

Four kisses and a marriage – why cuddling up can stave off divorce

Researchers claim to have come up with the vital ingredients for a long-lasting marriage. The recipe, apparently, is four kisses, three cuddles and a romantic night in!

A two-year age gap, a couple of shared hobbies and a sprinkling of “I love yous” also help couples stay together, according to confetti.co.uk, the wedding planning website which carried out the survey of 3,000 married people, published this week.

Other important factors in staving off divorce include meeting through friends and marrying after a three-and-a-half year courtship.

Once married, a couple should say “I love you” to each other at least once a day and have sex three times a week, the research found. Two romantic meals out each month and three nights a week cuddling on the sofa are also part of the successful formula for staying wed.

As with many surveys, you can take this with a pinch of salt, but I think it might help to re-focus people’s minds on what marriage is about.

Whilst it can be counter-productive to a relationship to imagine the first throes of lust will endure with the passing years, it is can also be damaging to a relationship to believe that being “best mates” is enough.

Keeping romance alive is not easy in today’s culture, when so many other things demand our time, but every relationship needs nourishing if it is to stand the test of time.

If you and your spouse have busy jobs and a young family, going out for dinner together twice month might not be practical. But that doesn’t stop you expressing your feelings for one another with gestures and words. A playful tickle or a brush of the hand can remind you of the special bond you share.

The new survey also found that three ‘phone calls, emails or texts while at work keeps a relationship strong. Again, this might not be possible if you have a boss breathing down your neck, but a quick text during your lunch break might help to keep you connected to your other half.

Conversely, the research showed that while the ideal couple will share two hobbies, it is also important to keep some independence. Two separate nights out with friends a month is the answer, said the survey.

If your relationship is going through a rough patch or teetering on the brink of collapse, it might be worth mulling over the above ingredients for a “perfect marriage” before deciding to give up. I often see clients who believe their relationships to be over but who lead me to think that the marriage is salvageable.

Just as molehills can become mountains, so mountains can be reduced to molehills by positive – rather than reactive – behaviour.

I know, from professional and personal experience, that ailing marriages can be turned around. It may take more than four kisses, three cuddles and a romantic night in – but they’re a start!