The single life can open new doors of opportunity

By Sue Leach

When clients who are going through a divorce voice their fears about how they will cope with “singledom”, I am able to give some reassurance. For I am single and I lead a very active and fulfilling social life.

Unlike my clients, I have never been married, but I have had relationships and I know there is a world of opportunities for those who have to start over again when they are no longer part of a couple.

When a relationship breaks down, it provides new possibilities: you can get up when you like and go to bed when you like, spend quality time with family and friends, eat what you want when you want and enjoy your financial independence. You are also free to expand your life in many ways.

Some time ago, I joined a walking club. Not only does it help me to keep fit and give me a sense of well-being, but it has also widened my social circle. I go walking most weekends and have a great time meeting people from all walks of life and visiting new places both locally and further afield. I am also a member of a running club and, although I am a relative newcomer to running, this gives me a happy, healthy outlook on life and the opportunity to forge new friendships.

Whilst I understand how daunting it can be for the newly-single to strike out on their own – especially those who have been in a long marriage – it can be done, by taking small steps at the beginning. One good way is to focus on your interests; for instance, if you like art, you could join an evening class or attend a painting course. Joining an activity or club with a friend may be less unnerving for those starting out on their own once again.

Pursuing an interest or hobby is not only satisfying in itself, it can serve to widen your social life.

Travel is something else I enjoy because I have no ties. Sometimes I travel with friends, but I also enjoy travelling as part of a group of independent holidaymakers. This develops your independence and broadens your horizons, which, in turn, boost your self-belief. I have met a wide range of interesting people on my travels to countries such as Egypt, India, Jordan and Tanzania – people who share my love of wildlife, culture and history. There are also specialist holiday companies which cater for single travellers, interest-based holidays and holidays for those travelling on their own with children.

But I also do things entirely on my own, such as going to the cinema or the theatre. The simple things in life can give great pleasure, too, such as a night in with a glass of wine, a favourite film or a telephone chat with a long-standing friend.

There are educational opportunities, as well, if you are newly-single. Maybe you gave up your educational or professional aspirations for a family: now you can think about reactivating them. Again, you can make small steps to begin with – joining an evening class, improving your literacy skills, studying for an NVQ or professional qualification. Returning to education or training can open up new career possibilities and give you motivation and self-assurance.

By seeking out new avenues and gaining confidence in yourself and your own abilities, you appear more interesting and attractive to others.

Whilst I am still hopeful Mr Right is out there somewhere, I am very much enjoying my life as a singleton doing things that I might not be able to do if I was married with a family.

• Sue Leach is a solicitor with Benussi & Co

Technorati Tags: marriage,relationships,divorce

Nothing stays the same – not even the bad times

By Sylvie Sarabia

I feel terribly happy most of the time: I love life. But my contentment has been hard-won. My marriage to a Spanish footballer broke down following the death of our young daughter.

So when I see clients who are in a very dark place, I know how they are feeling. But I also know that however dreadful something is, nothing stays the same forever.

What I say to people is “always listen to advice – you don’t have to take it”. Similarly, I advise clients to take opportunities that present themselves on the basis that you can always walk away. When you’re going through divorce or separation, you might not know your own mind, which is why it’s a good idea to take an opportunity that presents itself, however you may view it at the time.

Things do work out and resolve themselves. Even the bleakest times don’t last; nothing stays the same. I can now look back on my marriage and say that it made me stronger. I coped healthily with what happened to me and I have more confidence as a result. Today, I am able to remember the positive aspects of my marriage. I don’t regret the marriage. It’s made me who I am today.

I believe that have having a goal or ambition is the secret to happiness. So, for example, a wife might be reluctant to take a job because she fears it will affect her maintenance payments, or a husband might want to wind down his business so he doesn’t have to pay his wife as much in a settlement, but it’s important to look to your long-term future.

One of the key things divorce teaches you is that you can never need nor depend on anyone else again. You can be self-reliant, even if you subsequently remarry. And that’s very empowering.

Grasping new opportunities and learning to be self-reliant help you channel negative feelings, such as anger, into something constructive. It hardens you up and stops you feeling sorry for yourself.

I realised how successful I’d been in doing this when, six years after we parted, my ex-husband asked for a reconciliation.

I was at my parents’ house, eating fish and chips, when, completely out of the blue, he ‘phoned me up and asked me to go back. It was at that point that I realised I was over the broken marriage.

• Sylvie is an associate solicitor with Benussi & Co, specialising in ancillary relief

Technorati Tags: divorce,marriage,relationships

Helping to move people’s lives forward

By Helen Jane Arnold

This morning I received a letter from someone I’d recently advised, thanking me for my help and saying she was now talking to husband about how they rebuild their relationship.

People assume that family lawyers deal only with relationship breakdown, but much of our time with clients is spent helping them to reconstruct their marriage and avoid divorce.

Many years ago, I spent time working with women and staff at a women’s refuge, which proved to be a valuable experience and an education about violence and abuse within relationships. As a result I developed an instinct for identifying clients who are living in a bullying or abusive relationship.

The balance of power within a relationship can shift over time and someone who is constantly bullied and criticised gradually loses self esteem and confidence. Their ability to negotiate and be an equal partner is affected. The quality of their relationship deteriorates. They are at rock bottom when they come in to see me. Sometimes, just helping people to recognise the situation they are in and suggesting strategies to counter bullying and critical behaviour can help a person to get themselves, and their relationship, back on track.

My involvement in childcare work in the earlier part of my career also provided valuable training to help resolve child issues in divorce and cohabitation cases. Happily, the cases I now deal with do not involve physical and psychological abuse within the family but my earlier training has given me insight into the damaging affect of relationship breakdown upon children. Parents can be bound up in their hurt and distress. As a result, children can become invisible.

At Benussi & Co, we encourage our clients to put the children’s interests at the forefront of the divorce process. We see ourselves as an honest broker, talking to parents about how they can best manage the process for the good of the children. We stress the importance of putting contact arrangements in place. A measure of goodwill and cooperation for the sake of the children can help a couple to find a means of communication and at work together cooperatively at a difficult time, when it is all too easy to focus on the negative.

My 25 years in the legal profession has provided a broad spectrum of experience. I started out with a business degree before switching to law. There is not much I haven’t seen over the years as a litigation practitioner dealing with crime, commercial disputes, housing, immigration and family law.

The main reason I opted to specialise in family law is that I enjoy working with people and helping them to tackle the personal and family issues which confront them. It is possible to make a tangible difference and to help clients empower themselves. People who, at the start of the divorce process, are fragile and vulnerable, grow in confidence. As they become more informed and comfortable about the legal process they become better equipped to make the necessary decisions.

Benussi & Co offers a team approach to problem solving, drawing on the experience of solicitors, counsellors, life coaches and other professionals. In this way we are able to support our clients to move their lives, and those of their children, forward.

· Helen Jane Arnold is a partner with Benussi & Co, specialising in complex high net worth, international and pension cases.

Technorati Tags: divorce,relationships,marriage