How to survive Christmas if your marriage has hit an iceberg

My book, How NOT to get Divorced After Christmas, is a guide for couples on how to survive Yuletide with their marriage intact. But what if you have separated from your partner BEFORE the Festive Season?

Anyone facing their first Christmas without their spouse will undoubtedly find the coming holiday an ordeal. If there are children involved, the marriage breakdown is likely to cause even more heartache.

Yet, however difficult your circumstances, Christmas is going to happen – and it’s how you handle it that will make a difference, not only to the success or failure of the festivities but the way you approach the start of the new year.

The first – and most important – thing to do is to have a detailed plan and stick to it. Your instinct might be to bury your head under a duvet until Christmas is over, but it is much better psychologically to face the Festive Season head on.

If you have no children, there is no compulsion to deck the halls, lay on a feast and buy up the High Street. You could arrange to go to a friend or relative’s home and let them take the strain (and provide a shoulder to cry on!) Alternatively, you could invite another single friend or relative to spend Christmas with you. Another option is to go away – either on a health spa break (to be pampered rotten!) or a last-minute overseas package holiday.

If you have children, however, “escape” is less of an option and the arrangements need to be planned more carefully – with the youngsters’ needs and expectations in mind. Hard though it might be, you have to put your own unhappiness to one side and concentrate on making Christmas as fun and festive as possible for the kids.

However, that doesn’t mean going overboard with presents and activities. At such an uncertain period in their lives, the children will want you – and their other parent – more than they’ll want this year’s must-have toy.

So try to make Christmas as similar to previous years as you can; the children will be comforted by the same routine. Obviously, if your estranged partner wants to spend some of the holiday with them, then there is going to be a marked change in the arrangements. The key, then, is to ensure that change is organised with as little disruption as possible.

Discuss with your ex who is going to have the children on Christmas Day: do not arrange for one to have them for part of the day and arrange a “hand over” part way through. This will not only mess up the day, it will almost certainly compound the children’s feelings of insecurity.

If you’re not spending Christmas Day with the children, save the turkey and trimmings for Boxing Day or whenever they will be back with you: however strange it might be, they’ll undoubtedly enjoy having two Christmases!

The Christmas message is about peace and love, so try to make this Yuletide as harmonious as possible, even if you and your former partner are at loggerheads. And never forget that the best thing you can give your children this year is reassurance that you – and your ex – love them as much as ever and will always be there for them.