Divorce is difficult for the parents too

Strange as it might seem, often our first contact with a potential new client isn’t the client – but their parents.

Worried and upset about their “child’s” decision to end their marriage, parents turn to us in a bid to gain a better insight into the ramifications of divorce and how they can help guide their son and daughter through the process.

Recently we were contacted by a man in his 70s who was desperately anxious about his adult daughter whose relationship had foundered.

It is, of course, entirely understandable that parents should worry about their children, even if their children are parents themselves and well into middle age. Every parent wants their son or daughter to be happy – and if their marriage breaks down, clearly they are or have been deeply unhappy.

Many parents, then, find themselves torn between wanting their child to be happy and not wanting them to go through a divorce. It may be that the parents have gone through divorce themselves, so they have an insight into the knock-on effects of relationship breakdown.

Often, parents of divorcing couples are concerned not only for their child’s emotional and financial well-being, but also how divorce will affect their relationship with their grandchildren.

Last month it was announced that a review of the family justice system will give grandparents legal rights to maintain contact with their grandchildren after a family break-up. But no one wants to resort to legal action if it can possibly be avoided.

Parents, therefore, feel they have to tread carefully: they want to support their son or daughter’s decision, but they may also feel they need to try to help salvage the marriage if they believe the relationship can be saved.

They may have had a good relationship with their child’s partner, so they will feel even more torn. If they didn’t like him or her, there may be the temptation to say “I told you so”.

If the marriage has fallen apart because of adultery, there might be moral disquiet; if it becomes clear there has been domestic violence, a parent may be horrified they didn’t spot the signs. A parent who has also been divorced is sometimes beset by guilt – did their own failed relationship play a part in their child’s marital breakdown?

Quite often, though, a parent can’t know why their child’s marriage has come to an end: their son or daughter may be too embarrassed to confide in mum and dad or they simply don’t understand themselves what went wrong.

So, how can we, at Benussi & Co, help the parents of clients or potential clients?

We can allay their fears for their children’s financial future – reassuring them that they will get the best possible settlement. We can also explain the legal process, breaking it down into small, manageable nuggets they can understand, and provide them with a better grasp of how the law works in regard to children. Perhaps most importantly, we can provide a listening ear: we may be the only people parents can talk to who are both detached yet empathetic. We can also give sound advice and detailed information.

What we can do, above all else, is to offer reassurance that divorce doesn’t spell the end of their child’s chance of happiness – it can provide the springboard into a new and better life. Every parent takes comfort from hearing that.

• Next week, how adult children are affected by their parents’ divorce