How divorce can cause physical as well as emotional pain

The subject of last week’s blog was how it’s okay to be selfish after you’ve gone through divorce or separation: this week I want to talk more about why it’s important to put your needs first.

Everyone knows that the breakdown of a long-term relationship causes emotional pain. Interestingly, though, scientists have shown that being rejected in love activates areas of the brain more usually associated with processing physical pain, such as the searing sensation of being burnt.

The finding comes from an American study of 40 men and women whose relationships had ended against their wishes. In a series of experiments, which involved looking at pictures of their ex, photos of a friend and having probes heated to different temperatures pressed against their arm, the volunteers said thoughts about the break-up hurt as much as the hot probe.

University of Michigan researcher Ethan Kross said: “On the surface, spilling a hot coffee on yourself and thinking about how rejected you feel when you look at the picture of a person you recently experience an unwanted break-up may seem to elicit very different types of pain. But this research shows that they may be even more similar than initially thought.”

What this research underlines is how painful it can be to go through divorce and separation – even, I would argue – if the split was your decision. Many people who choose to end a relationship still suffer enormously as a result.

The depth of pain relationship breakdown can cause – and the fact it can last for months if not years – is sometimes, perhaps, not recognised by friends and colleagues, perhaps even some family members.

While there is much sympathy for people whose partners die, those who divorce or separate are not always treated with quite the same amount of understanding. I think this is because there is a feeling, however subconscious, that the split was somehow “their fault”.

As a consequence, there can be more pressure on divorcees to put on a brave face on things, regardless of the pain they are going through. Many of our clients say they feel obliged to make out they are coping well with the situation and to demonstrate their ability to “bounce back”.

So, as well as it being okay to be selfish after divorce, it is also perfectly acceptable to admit you are going through a hell of a time emotionally. If other people don’t like to hear that, then that’s their problem. Pretending you’re all right when you’re not is counter-productive – it can halt the process of grieving for the relationship that has gone and, as a result, prevent you from moving forward in your new life.