It’s not just young children who can suffer when parents part

You often hear couples say they are staying together “for the sake of the children” – which generally means they have decided to continue with a marriage that isn’t working until their offspring have left home. The idea is that, by then, the kids will be all right.

To a degree, this is true; but parents sometimes don’t realise how hard divorce can hit adult children.

With an increasing number of couples splitting up in their 50s and 60s, the number of adult children affected by divorce has shot up in recent years. The Office for National Statistics estimates that between 2002 and 2008, the number of divorced women over 45 jumped by a third and there are now well over 1.6 million middle-aged and older divorcees in England and Wales.

Although grown-up children can understand what is happening in a way that young children can’t, they don’t necessarily find it any easier to accept that Mum and Dad are no longer together. In fact, in some ways it can be harder to come to terms with.

One reason for this is that they may look back at a happy childhood and wonder if it was all a lie: were their parents ever content or was their apparently companionable relationship a facade? Would their parents have parted sooner – and thereby had a chance of finding new love – if it hadn’t been for them?

Adult children can also find themselves caught in the middle of their parents’ separation – with Mum confiding in them one day and Dad crying on their shoulder the next. This can be extremely troubling for “children”: not only will they find their parents unhappiness difficult to hear about; their loyalties will be torn.

So, if you are going through a “silver divorce”, don’t assume your grown-up children – whatever their age and circumstances – will take the break-up in their stride. Try to understand how they will feel – that they have had decades of seeing their parents together and now they have to get used to seeing them apart.

Don’t be tempted to unburden yourself to your children: they may be old and emotionally mature enough to understand, but you risk deepening their anguish and putting them in a difficult position.

Take time to reassure your children – as you would if they were young – that they are loved and cherished by you and the other parent and emphasise that the marriage was a success if only because it produced them!

Bear in mind that they may want to know when things started going wrong and if their memories of their carefree childhood are false.

Of course, you and your partner might have been at each other’s throats for years – in which case your children might be relieved – even pleased – that you are finally going your separate ways. But even if that’s so, be mindful that your children are still likely to experience some sadness.

Never forget that just as your children, however old they are, will always be your “babies”, so you will always be your children’s Mum and Dad.