Don’t let the “sandwich” take the filling out of your marriage

As the trend continues for couples to delay having children until their late 30s or early 40s – especially those who start second families – the so-called “sandwich generation” is on the rise.

An increasing number of middle-aged men and women find themselves sandwiched between the responsibilities of bringing up young children and caring for elderly parents.

Those responsibilities can not only cause a financial strain on a family, they can take an emotional toll too.

If one partner is spending a lot of time helping their ageing parents so they can remain living at home, or simply visiting them regularly, family life is bound to suffer.

Gone are the days when Mum and Dad lived round the corner, along with the rest of the extended family; today it’s common for middle-aged children to live a long way from their elderly parents. That means popping in for 20 minutes each morning check they’re okay isn’t an option – rather, it involves a lengthy round trip.

With most people already time-strapped, parental commitments can be incredibly stressful when you’re also trying to slot in quality time with your young children.

Assuming you manage to do that, there’s unlikely to be much time (or energy) left over to give to your partner, who may be resentful of your dutifulness.

And, of course, there’s the money side of things. Bringing up children is expensive, as is the cost of caring for older people. If your family is already struggling financially because of the economic situation, seeing your anticipated inheritance disappearing on residential care can put a strain on relationships.

It is understandable that people want to look after their aged, infirm parents, but the state can provide a lot of help, both practical and financial, and it’s important to recognise that your immediate family – your children and partner – must come first.

If your marriage is starting to suffer because of the time you or your partner spend looking after parents as well as dependent children, find a way to “sandwich” in some time together. Whatever your commitments, arrange to go out (or stay in) once a week, just the two of you. Or arrange a weekend away every couple of months. No kids, no parents, no work. That way, you can remain emotionally and physically connected to your partner, whatever else is going on in your lives.

Difficult situations can often bring couples closer; and it certainly makes them more bearable if you have a loving, supportive partner by your side.