An “alternative” Christmas Day is far better than a disrupted one

Countdown to Christmas…..25 days to go

By Sylvie Sarabia

Last year, a client told me she and her estranged husband had decided to spend Christmas Day together for the sake of the children. Afterwards, she admitted it had been horrendous. So this year….she’s doing the same thing again!

Many newly- or soon-to-be-divorced couples opt to spend Christmas together for the children’s sake, usually out of guilt. But if relations are fraught, the children will surely feel the atmosphere and their enjoyment clouded by it.
In other words, trying to act selflessly can backfire.

If you have recently divorced or separated, you need to think sensibly about the Christmas arrangements. Yes, of course you want to recreate the fairytale view of Christmas, with happy families roasting chestnuts over an open fire, but life is rarely like that.

If you have parted from your partner, then that is the reality and it is far better to make arrangements on that basis than try to pretend – even for a day – that it’s not the case.

However, it’s equally problematic to base Christmas plans on a “handover” of children from one parent to the other, so that the children get to spend part of the big day with both Mum and Dad. It turns Christmas Day into a day of disruption and has the potential for unpleasantness and unhappiness.

The children can’t settle and they don’t get chance to see other relatives.
What, for instance, if Dad doesn’t turn up at the appointed “collection” time because he’s had too many pints of beer?

It is far better, in my view, to agree with your ex that you take it in turns to have the children at Christmas. The parent who isn’t having the children can organise an “alternative Christmas” celebration a week or two before, or even afterwards. That way, children get to enjoy two Christmas dinners and two lots of presents.

It also gives one parent the opportunity to get away and do their own thing every other Christmas. One client once told me that this kind of arrangement allowed her to spend alternate Christmases with her family with whom her husband had never got on.

So, even if your instincts tell you that children would be best-served by their estranged parents getting together – or setting up a child-swap half-way through Christmas Day – the Festive Season will almost certainly be a lot happier for everyone if parents take their turn.

• Sylvie Sarabia is a solicitor with Benussi & Co