Making small changes can have a big impact on your life

Countdown to New Year.... 12 days to go

By Neil Hobden

Christmas is less than a week away, so by now you’ll have your plans for the festivities in place. In all likelihood, you’ll have New Year’s Eve sorted too.

But have you planned for 2012?

New Year is about far more than having a knees-up into the early hours of January 1.
Whether or not you’re looking forward to Christmas and New Year; now is the time to look beyond the festive season and into the reality of the coming 12 months.

Does the thought of being on the cusp of a new year fill you with excitement – or dread?
If the latter, then it’s fairly obvious that something needs to change.

But however big the challenges or problems, you don’t necessarily have to make sweeping life changes. A few tweaks here and there can make a world of difference.

New Year is, of course, associated with making resolutions and many people fall into the trap of vowing to give this up and that up, with most failing to stick to their vows before the month of January is out.

There are two main reasons for this: firstly, New Year resolutions tend to be negative – they’re about censure and denial. Secondly, the enormity of a brand new year encourages people to try to change their lives dramatically.

The truth is that most change – both good and bad – comes about gradually. The most successful dieters, for example, lose weight little by little through adjusting their food habits and increasing the amount of physical activity they do. Crash dieters almost always put the weight back on – and more – as soon as the regime is over.

Similarly, marriages don’t usually fall apart overnight (although the damage wreaked by the discovery of one partner’s adultery can have an almost instant, catastrophic effect) but deteriorate over time.

If your relationship has been going downhill over the past year or more – perhaps as the result of the strain caused by the financial situation – it doesn’t mean it will continue to do so.

A new year could be the ideal time to start rebuilding your partnership, slowly, over the coming 12 months.

Rather than thinking “new year, new us”, resolve instead to take each day at a time, but with your attention on the positive, not the negative, aspects of your relationship.

If one of the problems has been that you don’t spend enough time together, try to build in just a couple of extra hours during the week that you’re in each other’s company, just the two of you.

If money is tight and likely to carry on being so, sit down with your partner and talk about how you can make small savings, such as planning a less expensive holiday (which might be more fun anyway).

In short, rather than try to iron out the problems by stopping this or giving up that, concentrate on the good things in your relationship and build on those.

And don’t expect miracles. A new year is a new dawn if you want it to be, but Rome, as they say, wasn’t built in a day.

• Neil Hobden is a partner with Benussi & Co

Money isn’t everything: a bit of R&R can be worth its weight in gold

Countdown to Christmas……12 days to go

By Denise McKenna

For many families, this has been a difficult year. The global financial meltdown has caused serious difficulties for a lot of people – and is likely to continue to do so into 2012 and beyond.

If money has been tight this year, Christmas may not be particularly welcome in your household. People have high expectations of the festive season and many have firm views about how it should be celebrated. For some this means spending a considerable amount of money on presents, decorations and food.

Because Christmas is such a high point on the calendar, a survey released yesterday found that one in three Britons expected to take on debt to pay for it this year. Research by YouGov, for payment technology firm Intelligent Environments, found that 31 per cent of those surveyed – including those already in arrears – are prepared to spend more than they can really afford.

Despite widespread austerity measures, the shops are as full to bursting with Christmas gifts and razzamatazz as ever – and the pressure to buy expensive presents for children is as great as ever.
Relationships that are already under strain because of money problems may become more fraught due to the financial burden of Christmas. Simmering tension over money woes could erupt into full-blown rows over how much – or how little – to spend on Christmas. It is difficult to eat, drink and be merry if you are anxious about the future of your business or job; paying the mortgage or paying your children’s school fees.

The festive season can be a stressful time: catering, shopping for gifts, arranging where to go and when or coping with difficult relatives may combine to turn Christmas into an event that is less than jolly.

If you add money troubles to the list, it is not difficult to see how the holidays could lead to serious ructions that could spell the beginning of the end of your relationship. So, to avoid the risk of damaging your relationship with arguments and unhappiness caused by money, here are some tips to ensure this Christmas is a happy one, whatever your material circumstances:

♦ Sit down with your partner and agree a budget you can afford.  And stick to it!  Avoid running up debts: if you can’t afford it, don’t have it.

♦ Make a list of everything that really matters to you at Christmas: you will probably be pleasantly surprised that a lot of those things do not depend on spending lots of money.

♦ Explain to children that you simply cannot afford to buy them lots of expensive gifts – and neither can Santa as even the North Pole has austerity measures in place! Maybe ask them to choose between one pricey gift and several inexpensive items.

♦ Draw up a list of all the things you can do at Christmas that do not cost money, such as going to a church carol service; going for walks or bike rides; playing board games; creating decorations out of “reclaimed” material.

♦ Make joint decisions on food, presents, guest list and activities.

♦ Whatever money problems you have, agree with your partner that you are not going to discuss them over the holiday period. Leave them until the New Year as there is nothing you can do about the situation until then anyway.

♦ Do not feel guilty about cutting back on your spending. Resist the pressure from glitzy adverts to buy the latest “must-have” items. Remember, by next December, they will be so “last year”!

♦ Replace money with time. Do more with the children to make up for not having bought them a bedroom full of new toys.

♦ Do not drink too much alcohol.  Not only is it expensive, but knocking back too much of the hard stuff removes inhibitions and may lead to rows with your partner you vowed you wouldn’t have!

♦ Relax. That doesn’t cost anything.  A bit of R&R can be worth its weight in gold.

• Denise McKenna is an associate with Benussi & Co

Being a single parent at Christmas is hard – but there is much joy to be had

Countdown to Christmas.....20 days to go

By Georgina Burrows

Being a single parent isn’t easy – and it can be especially hard at Christmas.

Yet, even if you feel like hiding under a duvet for the duration of the festive season, there’s a pressure to go through the “isn’t this fantastic?” routine for the sake of the children.

I’m a mother to two daughters, a teenager and a seven-year-old, neither of whom have regular contact with their fathers.

I don’t have “switch-over” arrangements to make at Christmas and the girls and I always have a really good time, but when I’m on my own late on Christmas Eve, wrapping the last of the presents and eating the mince pie left out for Santa, I sometimes think how nice it would be if I had a partner to enjoy the moment with me.

What I find helps me is going to church on Christmas Day. Not only does it break up the day, it gives me and the children something other than cooking and unwrapping presents to focus on. Meeting other people, singing carols and listening to the Biblical story of Christmas – which says much about love and peace – never fails to lift my spirits.

In the run-up to Christmas, my children and I enjoy contemplating Mary and Joseph’s journey to Bethlehem by using our permanent Advent calendar as well as eating the chocolates from the commercial one.

I know that going to church is not for everyone and not everyone believes the Christmas story. But there are other things you can do to break up the long day or to ensure you have adult company, such as helping serve up Christmas dinner at a hostel for the homeless, popping round to visit a neighbour who’s on their own, or inviting someone who is alone to share Christmas lunch with you.

Because I have experienced life as a single parent, I can empathise with clients who are fearful about what life will be like when they have no partner to support them with the children on a daily basis. It’s tough not only when things are difficult; it’s also hard when life is good – and at times like Christmas – because you feel as though you have no one with whom to share the joy and excitement.
Feeling down and anxious, particularly at times such as Christmas, is normal. What is important is that you make use of everything that life puts in your path: even those experiences and feelings which feel bad now can be turned around in the fullness of time so that you grow and learn from them.

This year will be difficult for lots of families, especially those adjusting to new financial circumstances following separation.  My colleague Helen Jane Arnold made some wonderful suggestions a couple of weeks ago for inexpensive activities with the children to change the focus from receiving presents. What I and the children are doing this year is making paper chains from accumulated junk mail and giving Christmas “vouchers” as presents – such as “a meal at our house in January” – that are thoughtful and practical and cost time rather than money.

If this is the first year you have had to spend without the children because they are with their other parent, do not forget that Christmas is a season and not just one day.

You can have an alternate Christmas weekend with the children as suggested by Sylvie Sarabia but on Christmas Day. And, unless you really prefer your own company, try to find others to share your day with. If your family are not close, there are charities which need help at this time of year. I remember one very enjoyable year before I had children when I went into my local hospital for the day to help out with the hospital radio station. It was great fun and helped me to shift the focus from how I was feeling to others who were missing out on the normal activities.

Because I have done it, I can say that you will come out the other side of Christmas and you may even – when looking back – remember this year as the best Christmas ever.

• Georgina Burrows is a solicitor with Benussi & Co specialising in cases involving children