Facing the temptations of Facebook: contacting old flames can give you burnt fingers

A client recently described how she and her now-estranged husband used to sit up in bed together, their laptops in front of them, messaging people on Facebook.

Not just innocent messaging, either – rather, flirting with old flames and newly-acquired “friends”.
Eventually, her husband announced he was leaving her – for an old girlfriend he had re-met on the social networking site.

Earlier this month, it was revealed that Facebook flirtations are now becoming a major factor in marriage breakdowns. Family lawyers say the problem is so great that almost every divorce they have dealt with in the past year has involved the website.

More than any other social networking site, Facebook has become the “place” where old friends – and old lovers – reconnect. A lot of the time, the cyber interactions are harmless enough. But it’s inevitable that hearing again from a lost love or first boyfriend or girlfriend will stir up a whirlpool of emotions.

If you’re not careful, these emotions can take over your “real” life and, before you know it, you’re hankering for someone you may not have seen or spoken to for decades.

What many people don’t realise, when they find themselves day-dreaming about a romance that ended years ago, is that when they remember the relationship, they are remembering it as one recalls sun-splashed holidays from childhood.

You’re thinking about the person as they were then – several years or decades younger than they are now – and the great times you had together (rather than the belly-aching episodes of misery they caused you).

You are also recalling times before the drudgery of grown-up life kicked in – marriage, children, mortgages and so on – carefree days when having fun was the only thing that mattered.
Understandably, people get fed up with grown-up life. Even the best marriages get a bit boring after a while, and when you’re bringing up a family and working hard to pay the bills, excitement is hard to come by.

Getting back in touch with old flames, then, can offer a much-needed thrill in the humdrum world of everyday living.

But stop and think for a moment: if you’ve changed in the past few years, so has your former lover. If life is dull for you now, the chances are their life is equally uneventful.

Rekindling a romance can certainly inject a frisson into your usual routine, but it’s likely to be as illusory as the halcyon days you think you remember.

And what if you did decide to ditch your husband and family and take up again with your old love?

After the initial passion and excitement, you’d either discover they weren’t the gorgeous young thing you remembered or – eventually – life with them, too, would become routine…..and it would be time to return to Facebook!