Smile – even when you feel like weeping

We all know people who moan about how miserable the weather is for the time of year; then, when the sun comes out, they moan about how dreadfully hot it is.

These are people who are unable to look on the bright side of life.

It may be that you are one of them.

Looking at life pessimistically (pessimists will often argue they are “realistic”) is not only depressing and negative, it may also take a few years off your life. According to new research, people who live to be 100-plus tend to have a sunny outlook.

Scientists in America who studied 243 centenarians found that, far from being tired of life, most were cheerful and sociable.

Nir Barzilai of the Albert Einstein College of Medicine’s Institute for Ageing Research in New York was quoted as saying this week: “We found qualities that clearly reflect a positive attitude towards life. Most (of those researched) were outgoing, optimistic and easygoing.

“They considered laughter an important part of life and had a large social network. They expressed emotions openly rather than bottling them up.”

If you are a naturally “glass half empty” person, it’s not easy to change your outlook on life, but simulating being happy can, in fact, make you less dissatisfied. The expression “smile and the world smiles with you” sounds rather trite, but there’s no doubt that exuding happiness is catching – both for you and others around you.

Even if you feel low, making an effort to smile and to look at the positives of situations rather than the downsides can alter how you react to difficult times.

Divorce is often viewed as an almost wholly negative experience because it’s seen as being about failure and loss. But, as many of our clients would agree, divorce can be a hugely positive, life-enhancing process. It can, quite literally, give you a fresh start and lead to a happier way of life.

Of course, going through divorce and separation isn’t easy and can be quite painful. But focusing on the potential positive aspects – what you stand to gain – rather than dwelling on the negative ones can make a big difference to how you cope.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t be realistic about the minus points, but allowing yourself to concentrate on those will hold you back from forging a new life for yourself.

My advice is, however miserable you feel inside, at least pretend to be happy. Smile, laugh with friends, organise little treats for yourself and imagine all the good things that might happen in the future. The more you simulate optimism, the more likely it is that you really will be optimistic.
Edging closer to seeing your glass as half-full might not mean you’ll live to 100, but you’ll certainly get more out of life for the years you have in front of you.

Love is….leaving your smart phone at home

The novelist and journalist Tony Parsons recently wrote on Twitter: “Among the beautiful people. Everybody is looking at their phones. Nobody is looking at each other.”

Sadly, he could have been talking about almost any social or business gathering these days. Everywhere you go, there are people with mobile phones in their hands, held to their ears or next to their plate at the dinner table.

A survey published last week reveals that 68 per cent of Britons would happily take a mobile phone call during a dinner date – even if they know it is not important. The study shows that since the proliferation of smart phones, 63 per cent of people would leave their devices on the table while out for dinner with a friend.

The musician Will.i.am was given a ticking off by BBC chiefs after using his phone to post comments on Twitter during a live show of The Voice, on which he’s a judge.

In short, smart phones are taking over our lives – personal and professional – as they are increasingly able to fulfil an array of sophisticated functions. As well as allowing people to call you 24/7, they also keep you abreast of emails, tweets and Facebook updates. That’s why a growing number of people are loath to let their phones out of their sight.

But staying in remote touch with work colleagues, social media “friends” and former school mates can be to the detriment of “real life” relationships with loved ones.

If you are constantly checking your phone or taking calls while out to dinner with your partner, you are, literally, killing the conversation. And if you’re not talking to your partner, you won’t be communicating well, which invariably leads to a raft of problems.

It’s simply not possible to give someone proper attention if your phone is buzzing next to you, or you’ve one eye on the football scores as you eat dinner in a fancy restaurant.

Spending quality time with a partner means keeping eye contact, really listening to what they’re saying and telling them things you want them to know and understand.
No one is likely to feel particularly wanted or special if their partner is toying with their phone all the time.

And don’t kid yourself that you’re only answering a phone call during a romantic date because “it might be urgent”. Rarely are phone calls truly urgent. Let the call go to voice mail and concentrate on the person before you. At the end of the day, it’s real life that really matters.

Why climbing Mount Snowdon was like going through a divorce

By Georgina Burrows

A few weeks ago I climbed Snowdon with a group of friends from church, all of whom were half my age. I had never climbed to the top of a mountain before. Although I knew it would be a challenge, I didn’t realise how tough it would be.

We took a very difficult route that included not only a very long steep ascent, which seemed to take forever, but also some pretty scary clambers across rocks, with sheer drops on either side. There was also a painful descent.

My fellow walkers included a member of a university mountaineering club: Our leader was a 24-year-old Army-trained fitness freak with the most inspiring optimism of what was doable for the group.

My training was limited to cycling to work for a week and a big plate of pasta the night before (I’d read somewhere it was a good idea to eat carbohydrates).

Mount Snowdon is actually a series of peaks, which means that just as you reach what appears to be the top another higher harder peak appears. There were times during the walk when I felt like sitting down and crying, refusing to take another step, or even just turning around and going back the way
I’d come. It was at those times my younger fitter friends encouraged me – on one occasion saying “just put one foot in front of the other”!

When I did reach the top, the sense of achievement and exhilaration was amazing.  I forgot the pain and weariness of the long, slow climb up and felt fighting fit for the walk down. Little did I realise the descent would be more painful and frightening than the ascent! This was the point when I found myself clinging to rocks and, at times, resorting to sitting down and sliding down the mountain.

There were times when my friends had to tell me precisely where to find the footholds and handholds to avoid a nasty fall.

My muscles ached for at least two days afterwards. I discovered bruises and scrapes on almost every part of my body, and wondered if I would ever walk properly again!

However, even though this was a difficult physical challenge for me, I DID IT! And a few weeks later I feel fantastic and proud of the achievement.

I have also been reflecting on the feelings I experienced and realise the climb up and down that mountain was, in many ways, like the journey through a divorce or separation: It was a lesson in how – with sheer determination and help along the way – it is possible to exceed one’s expectations.

I have been divorced twice and it struck me that after making the decision to end my marriages, there were many times when I felt I couldn’t cope, didn’t want to cope, and that maybe it would be easier to just turn back and remain in a bad situation.

There were definitely times when I thought I was over the upset or had dealt with the issues, only to find they appeared again – and seemed even bigger than before.

Going through court proceedings is difficult, often frustrating, never easy and most definitely an uphill battle.

On the day you receive your decree absolute or final financial order, there is a sense of having reached the top of the mountain – that you’ve made it! However, that is just the beginning.  It’s only then that your new life truly begins, and building that and facing new challenges can be like a clamber across rocks and a painful descent.

This walk can be very hard; there will be times when you fall over, feel bruised and (in my case) have to slide down with the help of friends telling you where to put your feet.

One of the benefits of doing the journey with an expert is that you are not alone on your climb. On Snowdon, I was with experienced mountaineers who were able to tell me precisely where to put my feet to avoid a fall.

When you’re going through a divorce, that’s where my colleagues and I at Benussi & Co come in: we are experts in family law, so are able to guide you over the boulders, steer you away from the precipices, tell you where to put your feet – and lead you safely down the mountain.

• Georgina Burrows is a solicitor with Benussi & Co, specialising in cases involving children

You may be home alone, but thanks to the internet you need never be lonely

A friend remarked the other day that she’d spent the entire weekend at home, seeing no one, speaking to nobody on the phone – but had spent a lot of time chatting to old friends, making new ones and having a veritable social whirl.

“Thank heavens for the internet,” she said.

In just a few years, the way people use their computers, laptops and mobile phones has transformed the lives of millions. And among those millions are many older people who live alone. There’s even a term for them: “silver surfers”.

The ways you can now communicate without ever leaving your home are myriad: There is email, Facebook, Twitter, Skype, Friends Reunited, chat rooms, specialist dating sites and  websites, such as Elderjuice, “for people with a bit of life experience”.

These forums allow you to revive old friendships, maintain current ones and begin new ones. My friend became so close to a woman from New Zealand – and fellow divorcee – she’d “met” playing online Scrabble, she installed Skype just so that they could chat “face to face”.

Now, the two of them talk regularly on Skype, send each other gifts and cards at Christmas and birthday cards and feel as if they’ve been friends for a lifetime.

A lot is written in the media about the “dangers” lurking in cyberspace, but, as with most things, the risks of meeting undesirable characters are no higher than in “real life”. As you do in other circumstances, so you have to be discerning when deciding who to engage with online.

Without doubt, the rise and rise of the internet has been a godsend for many people living alone, in particular those without active social lives or close friends and family living nearby.

Skype allows you to talk to and “see” loved ones living on the other side of the world (or, of course, somewhat closer to home); the likes of Facebook and Friends Reunited put you back in touch with old school friends and work colleagues you’d lost contact with, while Twitter provides the opportunity to interact with an array of people all over the world, many of whom have interesting things to say.

Internet dating is now seen as a normal, acceptable way to meet a new partner and there are even sites dedicated to more mature people.

Playing online games such as Scrabble not only provides an opportunity to meet new friends (there is a “chat” board, which allows you to message your opponent as you play), it’s a fun way to keep your brain active.

One of the wonders of the internet is that there are always people online – no matter what the hour. So whenever you feel lonely and need to chat to someone, there’s a whole community online, whatever the time of day.

The internet isn’t just for the young: more and more older people are tapping into its potential to transform their lives through the power of social networking, staying in touch with family and forging online friendships.

• Next week: Georgina Burrows compares climbing up Snowdon to going through divorce

Like a good wine, life after “silver separation” just gets better and better

Divorce among older age groups is on the rise. The latest figures, for 2009, reveal that more than 11,500 over-60s were granted a divorce – an increase of four per cent in two years.

This contrasts with a fall in the divorce rate for all age groups of more than 11 per cent.

Ros Altmann, director general of the over-50s group Saga, was recently quoted as saying: “This is more proof that life is really changing for the over-60s and for many it’s the start of the next phase of their lives, not the end of their life as people in the past were often led to expect.”

And that’s exactly right! I know lots of divorcees in their 50s and 60s – many of whom were once clients of Benussi & Co – and, for most, life has never been better. They enjoy themselves to the full – going on lots of holidays, taking up new hobbies and interests and even switching careers.

Many such people are incredibly adventurous: According to Liz Harper, head of marketing and digital editor at Footprint Travel Guides, an increasing number of over-50s are looking to get out and see the world, embarking on the kind of “gap years” usually associated with 18-year-old students.

A majority of older divorcees discover that being on your own isn’t a problem. They find they are more self-reliant than they were in their 30s and 40s; they know what they like, what they want and what they need, and that makes life very uncomplicated indeed. They’re not too proud to ask for help when they need it – and have a list of “men who can” that they call upon if something goes wrong.

Why would they want to give up my freedom in order to have a relationship with a new partner? The answer is: they wouldn’t!

Of course, everyone is different. There are many women, for instance, who have spent all their adult lives being a full-time wife and mother and who feel their raison d’être is to look after someone.

Believe me, though; it doesn’t take too long to start to enjoy looking after only yourself. But if you really feel the need look after someone, think about getting a dog, as I advocated in a recent blog.

Learning to be self-indulgent isn’t selfish; it’s what a lot of people – women especially – deserve after half a lifetime tending to the needs of others. Divorce is an opportunity to start thinking about what YOU really want to do. And, with a financial settlement in the bank and the children grown up, many “oldies” are in a position to pursue long-cherished (and previously all-but-abandoned) dreams.

So you always regretted not going to university? Join the growing ranks of mature students. You always wanted to see the Great Wall of China or the Grand Canyon? Join one of the many guided tours available to all parts of the globe.

The list of things you can do when you’re unencumbered by children or a reluctant spouse is, literally, endless.

The practicalities of living alone are another, often under-estimated, bonus. Because there’s no one sharing your bed, if you wake up in the night and are unable to go back to sleep, you can put the light on, read or make a cup of tea and don’t have to worry about disturbing anyone.

And you have the whole bed to yourself every night! This was one of the first things I luxuriated in after I separated. Read a previous blog I wrote about how wonderful it can be to sleep on your own.

Yes, you can sometimes get lonely – but that’s as true of the young as it is of older divorcees. And, remember: there’s nothing lonelier than being with someone who doesn’t make you happy.

So my advice to all mature divorcees is not to mourn the passing of your former life but to embrace the new opportunity you’ve been given to open a new and exciting chapter.

• Next week: how the internet provides 24/7 companionship

How Benussi Blog identified new social trend of the “piranha woman”

When Benussi & Co partner Neil Hobden wrote a blog about the rise in the number of women having children by wealthy men to ensure a life of luxury (Schedule 1 of the Children Act allows an unmarried parent to seek financial support for the child from the other parent), we didn’t foresee the media storm it would provoke.

Within a couple of days, headlines appeared in the Daily Mail and Sun newspapers, national magazine websites, BBC Breakfast and on online news sites across the world – translated into several languages – proclaiming that a new breed of “piranha women” was preying on rich men to get them pregnant.

As managing partner, I did a raft of interviews, including five for radio broadcasts.

What the level of media interest demonstrated was that our blog had identified a new social trend.

Because of the nature of our business, it is sometimes easy to spot patterns. As Neil wrote in the blog, Schedule 1 had little or no impact on the work he did ten years ago, yet today it accounts for about one third of his caseload.

That says a lot about the changes that have taken place both in the way people behave and the expectations they have.

A wider social trend is the number of people who now live on their own – many through choice rather than circumstance. This phenomenon is explored in the recently-published book Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone by Eric Klinenberg. In the UK, a staggering 34 per cent of households have one person living in them. In Sweden, it’s 47 per cent.

A proportion of these singletons are the so-called piranha women who have chosen to have a child by a rich man without having to burden themselves with a husband. Instead, she and the child live a relatively luxurious life funded by the absent father.

A far greater majority of women who live by themselves, however, do so because they earn a good enough salary to allow them to be financially independent. Long gone are the days when women had to marry in order to have their own home.

Another trend-within-a-trend is the growing numbers of adults in long-term, committed relationships who opt to maintain separate houses. The author Joanna Trollope is an example.

Recently, the twice-divorced novelist was quoted as saying that her current relationship has lasted ten years “and it works, I am sure, because I live alone”.

So while the Schedule 1 blog became a headline-grabbing story on the rise of the scheming piranha woman, what it demonstrated was the increasing allure of solo living – even when a life of togetherness is on offer.

For anyone going through separation and divorce who is fearful of living alone, this social trend may offer more than a shred of comfort.

Why dogs are a (divorced) man’s best friend

One of the biggest problems faced by those who are newly-separated or divorced is loneliness. If you’ve shared your life with someone for a long time, it can be hard having no one to talk to in the morning and only an empty house to return to at night.

My advice is: consider getting a dog.

I have lived alone for many years now and am quite happy with my own company. I have a busy life and thoroughly enjoy the time I spend at home.

So when I decided to get a dog, I had no idea what joy she would bring me – and how she would fill the house with the kind of companionship I didn’t realise I needed.

Cassie is a Spanish Water Dog and is now a year old. She’s a gorgeous thing (yes, I know I’m biased) and we have developed a great relationship over the last few months. She comes to work with me every day – and the staff at Benussi & Co all love her to bits too.

There are lots of reasons to get a dog:

Unconditional love: For those whose hearts are bruised and whose love has been rejected by their ex-partner, doggy devotion can be a godsend. Even if I wake up in a bad mood, Cassie is delighted to see me and she is thrilled when I return from a trip out. When I see her tail wagging a big welcome, my spirits lift.

Breaking the ice: Taking a dog for regular walks is not only good for your health, it also provides an opportunity to make new friends. Having a dog is a real ice-breaker and I’ve met some great people I’d not have met otherwise.

Enjoying nature: I’ve always loved being out in the fresh air, but I rarely went for long walks on my own before I had Cassie. Now I find that I can walk for miles, on a beach or through the countryside, because I have a focus. And Cassie’s enjoyment enhances my own.

High days and holidays: Some people are deterred from having a dog because they are worried it will be very restrictive. But it may be that you could arrange for your pet to accompany you to the office, or, if not, find a dog-walker who can come to your house while you are at work. Lots of hotels and self-catering accommodation accept well-behaved pets, so you can take your dog with you when you go on holiday. Because I take Cassie to the office with me, she is happy in the company of lots of people – and there’s always a queue when I ask if someone could look after her for a few days while I go away on business or overseas.

Of course, there are downsides to having a dog and yes, they are a responsibility, but I’ve found that the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. Cassie has brought a new dimension to my life and I wouldn’t be without her for the world.