Drowning your sorrows won't kill them off

The increase in alcohol consumption is rarely out of the news these days and one of the most alarming trends appears to be middle-aged, middle-class drinkers who regularly knock back far more than the Government’s recommended daily number of units.

This week, the Department of Health launched a “know your limits” television and poster campaign aimed at warning middle-class imbibers of the dangers of social drinking and to make people aware that drink measures are getting bigger, with some containing double the number of units.

There are many reasons for the reported rise in booziness among a section of society that one might think “should know better”, but I suspect one cause is the steady increase in divorce and separation.

 

Alcohol is widely perceived as a “prop” when things go wrong, partly because of the initial buzz it provides. For people who are suddenly thrown into a life of isolation or loneliness through enforced singledom, drink can all too quickly become a kind of companion. The bottle doesn’t ask awkward questions or demand a certain mood or type of behaviour.

 

The problem is, however, that your favourite tipple can also be your worst enemy, because alcohol is a depressant. You might feel a bit happier after a couple of glasses of wine, but by the time you’ve sunk the best part of a bottle – because there’s no one to share it with – your mood is likely to darken: regrets, anger and sadness over your marriage break-up are exacerbated rather than lessened.

 

This is bad enough, but drinking also removes inhibitions, so you are more likely to phone your ex and unleash a torrent of tears or abuse, or bash out a vitriolic email or text message. It might make you feel better at the time, but in the morning you may well feel embarrassed and remorseful. Your ex probably won’t be too chuffed either, and a worsening relationship between the two of you can make the divorce process, and its aftermath, more difficult and unhappy.

 

If you’re aware you may be drinking too much, try to cut down – or cut it out completely – before it becomes a serious issue. If the first thing you do when you walk through the door in the evening is pull a beer out of the fridge, switch to putting the kettle on instead. Rather than whiling away the evenings in front of the TV with a bottle at your side, find other ways of passing the time in which alcohol plays no part: gardening or decorating, for example.

 

If you go out for the evening, make a point of driving so that you can’t drink more than a glass even if you’re tempted to do so.

 

Drinking can quickly become a habit, especially if you’re living alone and feeling down, but drowning your sorrows in drink won’t kill them off or make them go away: it might dull them for a while, but in the cold light of day they will still be there and may seem even worse (especially when you’re having to face them with a thumping headache). You also risk saddling yourself with an extra problem – alcohol itself.

Weathering the gloom of divorce

The current spell of sunny, warm weather and the meadows and hedgerows burgeoning with May-time colours and smells are conducive to making us feel full of the joys of spring.

 

There is nothing that lifts the spirits more than a cornflower blue sky and balmy temperatures – if life is treating you well, that is. If you’re going through a traumatic divorce, you’re likely to be feeling miserable, lonely and not a little bit scared. Rather than being uplifted by the sunshine and spring flowers, you might feel even more depressed. Jolly pleasantries of “isn’t the weather wonderful?” serve only to underline the fact that while the weather might be lovely, life for you is not.

 

Seeing people making the most of the season – families enjoying a barbecue or couples canoodling in the park – can be like a knife in the heart.

 

The first thing I would say is that you shouldn’t feel guilty about not taking pleasure from the sunshine. You don’t need to play along with your neighbours’ exuberance.

 

Whatever the weather, though, there are things you can do to ease yourself through this difficult time:

 

• Be kind to yourself. This might sound trite, but it’s important that you listen to your body and your mood. If you’re tired, don’t force yourself to do the washing up or tidy the lounge – you can always do it tomorrow. If you don’t feel up to attending a friend’s birthday party, cry off. A true friend will understand
• Treat yourself. Buy yourself little rewards for getting through each day or week – even if it’s just a box of your favourite chocolates
• Take some regular exercise. Even a brisk walk can help release endorphins in the brain, which are naturally occurring mood enhancers
• Make plans. Making a list of things you’d like to do or places you’d like to visit can help you focus on a happier future
• Organise tasks. If you feel you are drifting through the days in a cloud of misery, set yourself a job to do when you’re at home to give you a focus. Maybe the bedroom needs redecorating or the windows could do with a clean. Achieving tasks, however small, can be extremely satisfying
• Enjoy your children. If your children live with you, take time to play with them or just be in their company. However bad your marriage turned out to be, something wonderful came out of it – your kids
• Give yourself a makeover. A new hairstyle or a new outfit can make you feel more confident about yourself
• Stay focused. Life might feel pretty dreadful right now, but in time it will get better – and possibly the best it’s ever been. You might find it hard to imagine being happy again, but you will be. There are many more glorious springs to come.

Guilty - but don't let blame wreck your marriage

Last weekend marked the first anniversary of Madeleine McCann’s disappearance from her family’s holiday apartment in Portugal. The four-year-year was apparently abducted while her parents dined at a tapas bar nearby.

This week, also in Portugal, a couple from Northern Ireland, Eamon and Antoinette McGuckin, allegedly collapsed drunk in front of their three young children after a night out. The youngsters were temporarily taken into care.

In both cases, the couples involved made a mistake – the McCanns shouldn’t have left their three young children alone in an unlocked apartment and the McGuckins shouldn’t have drunk so much alcohol they were incapable of looking after their offspring.

Yet however serious these “crimes” are perceived, the fact is that everyone makes mistakes. Most errors don’t have catastrophic results, and are quietly forgotten, but when they do, it is understandable for those responsible to berate themselves – and each other – to an unbearable degree. But feelings of guilt and blame are destructive emotions and, if allowed to spiral, can damage a marital relationship to such an extent that it runs the risk of falling apart.

It can be very difficult to restrain yourself from blaming your partner when a mistake – made singly or jointly – has tragic consequences, but it is important to keep in mind that to err is part of the human condition.

To blame your partner or become mired in self-reproach is erosive: not only does it not redeem the situation, it can make that situation a whole lot worse, especially where there are young children involved.

When misadventure strikes, it is crucial to not lose sight of the fundamental relationship you have with your spouse. If it was good before, then it can be good again – given time – and to throw it away on the basis of remorse and accusation is counter-productive. A far more positive approach is to learn from your mistakes by, say, making lifestyle changes, to ensure they are not repeated. If you feel you need outside help to do this, consider undergoing joint counselling.

Feel guilt over your errors, certainly, but don’t let them wreck your relationship.

Relationships are more important than bricks and mortar

Money doesn’t buy you happiness, so the adage goes. Yet money does buy you material comfort and peace of mind, which in today’s consumerist world is increasingly important.

 

Money troubles are a major cause of marital problems, either because of conflicting attitudes to finance or a lack of ready cash and mounting debts. There is little more stressful than having to worry about how to pay the next family bill.

 

The current “credit crunch” is likely to affect a growing number of households in Britain over the coming months and maybe years. Home repossessions will soar by almost a quarter this year, a leading economic consultant warned this week. More than 33,000 people could lose their homes during 2008 – 23 per cent ahead of last year – the Centre for Economics and Business Research said.

 

If the home you and your partner have created together is threatened with repossession, it could put your relationship under a great of strain. You might find yourself blaming your other half for not earning enough or working hard enough; you may question whether money has been misspent and if you’d saved a bit harder maybe you wouldn’t be in this mess.

 

When the economic chips are down, it’s easy to get angry and resentful with your spouse and perhaps put all the blame at their door: such emotions are caused by fear and are entirely natural.

 

Nevertheless, they’re not hugely helpful, because if you’re not careful, you’ll end up losing your marriage as well as, possibly, your home. If you are in this situation and can see your relationship foundering as a result, try to set aside any negative feelings towards your spouse and concentrate instead on finding a viable solution. Focus on the fact that you and your spouse are in this together and that, wherever you end up living or however much you need to tighten your money belts, at least you’ll be together.

 

Focus, too, on the idea that “two can live more cheaply than one”; if you’re in dire straits already, think how much harder it would be to have to foot all the bills yourself.

 

The important thing is not to get everything out of proportion. Yes, the prospect of losing your house is a grim one, but at the end of the day, what really matters are people and relationships – not bricks and mortar.

Beware the empty horizons of "sex tourism"

If you're a recently separated or divorced woman of a certain age, your newly single status, coupled with the long winter and chilly early spring, may have turned your thoughts to a summer holiday somewhere hot and far away from your domestic troubles.

 

For a growing number of British women, this means jetting off to countries such as Turkey, Egypt, the Gambia and Kenya. Not for the historical culture and glorious scenery, but for the male "totty".

 

According to a new book called Romance on The Road, by confessed former "sex tourist" Jeannette Belliveau, the problem of middle-aged-to-elderly women having flings with young, fit, dark-skinned young men is becoming endemic. It's a problem, she claims, because such liaisons invariably lead, at the very least, to disappointment and can even result in death. "In the past two years, three Western women have been killed for their money by their foreign 'toy boys'," she says.

 

The number of older women who form long-term relationships with holiday gigolos is increasing every year. Even though some culminate in marriage, statistically a third of all cross-cultural weddings end in divorce.

 

According to Jeannette, women who get lured into such sultry romances are "unbelievably naïve". These men, by and large, are interested only in the women's money and the prospect of gaining a UK visa. Many are from impoverished families, eking out a living as waiters or tour guides, and view Western women old enough to be their mothers as rich pickings.

 

If you have just gone through a traumatic divorce and your self-esteem has taken a battering, it could be all too easy to fall for the "you are so beautiful" line delivered with practised panache by a swarthy 20-something who gives every impression of worshipping the ground you walk on.

 

I understand completely why an educated, worldly-wise woman in her 40s or 50s might fall for such seductive patter. She's exhausted after a lengthy divorce process and fears no one will ever find her attractive again. What better tonic than to have a harmless holiday fling with a youthful Adonis?

 

Except that many such flings are not harmless: you run the risk of contracting Aids or other sexually transmitted diseases; you could be fleeced of your savings/divorce settlement and have your heart broken in the process.

 

So, despite the obvious attractions, I urge you to stick to sightseeing on holiday this summer.

However difficult, the truth is always best

The BBC's Newsround programme came in for criticism this week over its coverage of the tragic death of popular children's TV presenter Mark Speight. Some parents were angry at the in-depth reporting, saying their youngsters had been left in tears.

Mark, who presented SMart and Smarteenies arts shows, was found hanged on Sunday, nearly four months after his fiancée, Natasha Collins, died following a drugs-and-drink session at their home.

One BBC Radio 2 listener phoned in to say: "I am sure a team of idiotic modern-day psychologists think it is normal and right to burden children with this terrible news. It is not." Another complained: "We live in a bad enough world as it is. It doesn't have to be rammed down our children's throats."

Telling children unpleasant and upsetting news is never easy, but horrible things do happen and shielding them from the dark side of life is unrealistic and can be counter-productive.

Failing to tell children of a certain age the truth about something not very nice is also patronising: it suggests they are unable to compute or cope with the information. Yet children are more resilient than we often give them credit for, and even if they don't fully understand the details or enormity of what they are told, they are likely to come to terms with it in their own way.

Far worse, I suggest, is to lie to them, because if they discover the truth later on, they may feel more traumatised because their sorrow is also mixed with the knowledge that their parents deceived them.

Separating parents may be tempted to gloss over the fact they are splitting up because they don't want to hurt their young children. I have written on this subject before, but I believe it's important enough to touch on it again.

While I fully understand that parents wish to protect their impressionable kids from the emotional fallout of divorce, some may not realise that honesty (and that doesn't mean going into all the gory details) is almost always the best policy.

Hearing parents "whispering in corners" or feeling they are being excluded from what is patently going on around them is likely to make a child more unhappy, confused and insecure than if they are told, as sensitively and simply as possible, what is happening.

Children, whatever their ages, are going to be upset when their parents divorce, but if the news is broken to them carefully, and they are kept abreast of subsequent arrangements and reassured how much they are loved, they will be more able to digest, a bit at a time, the change in their circumstances and therefore cope better with the upheaval.

My advice, then, is to tell the truth wherever possible – even if it's a watered-down truth. Most children, when they're old enough, will thank you for doing so.

When "this town ain't big enough for the both of us"

So sang the pop group Sparks in the mid-70s. It’s a line that no doubt strikes a chord with many people who still live and work in the same town or city as their ex.

When couples break up, it’s more usual than not for both to stay put rather than making a new life in a different location. If you have children together and share the care, this can be an advantage, but it can also cause all sorts of difficulties, especially if the community is a small one.

Even in a large city, the likelihood of bumping into your former partner is quite high, as you may well have the same leisure interests and circle of friends. If you also have professional links, there’s even more chance of you coming into contact on a regular basis.

Of course, the idea of meeting your ex unexpectedly might not be an issue, particularly if you remain on cordial terms. Even if you’re daggers drawn, “accidentally” letting your former spouse witness you having a good time might actually appeal to some people.

However, a majority of people who are newly estranged or divorced would probably choose not to encounter their ex by chance. Suddenly catching sight of your former love across the high street or in wine bar can be emotionally very painful – the more so if they are in the arms of someone new.

So if you are newly single and dread seeing your former partner, think about moving to another village, town or city. If this is neither practical nor appealing because it would involve leaving behind work, friends and loved ones, consider instead moving to the opposite side of town. Think, too, about your social life and how you can make changes to lessen the likelihood of your ex showing up. If you are both big theatre goers, join a group that organises trips to theatres in other towns and cities; if you both like working out at the gym, join a new one.

Divorce is a great opportunity to start afresh, so taking up new hobbies and interests not only minimises the risk of meeting your former partner, it’s a good way of meeting other people and forming new social networks.

The best approach, though, if you’re going to be sharing the same town, is to reconcile yourself to the idea of bumping into your ex at some point. Remember, you’re not obliged to make small talk, or even exchange a word, if you don’t feel like it. Simply pretend they’re not there.