Helping to move people’s lives forward

By Helen Jane Arnold

This morning I received a letter from someone I’d recently advised, thanking me for my help and saying she was now talking to husband about how they rebuild their relationship.

People assume that family lawyers deal only with relationship breakdown, but much of our time with clients is spent helping them to reconstruct their marriage and avoid divorce.

Many years ago, I spent time working with women and staff at a women’s refuge, which proved to be a valuable experience and an education about violence and abuse within relationships. As a result I developed an instinct for identifying clients who are living in a bullying or abusive relationship.

The balance of power within a relationship can shift over time and someone who is constantly bullied and criticised gradually loses self esteem and confidence. Their ability to negotiate and be an equal partner is affected. The quality of their relationship deteriorates. They are at rock bottom when they come in to see me. Sometimes, just helping people to recognise the situation they are in and suggesting strategies to counter bullying and critical behaviour can help a person to get themselves, and their relationship, back on track.

My involvement in childcare work in the earlier part of my career also provided valuable training to help resolve child issues in divorce and cohabitation cases. Happily, the cases I now deal with do not involve physical and psychological abuse within the family but my earlier training has given me insight into the damaging affect of relationship breakdown upon children. Parents can be bound up in their hurt and distress. As a result, children can become invisible.

At Benussi & Co, we encourage our clients to put the children’s interests at the forefront of the divorce process. We see ourselves as an honest broker, talking to parents about how they can best manage the process for the good of the children. We stress the importance of putting contact arrangements in place. A measure of goodwill and cooperation for the sake of the children can help a couple to find a means of communication and at work together cooperatively at a difficult time, when it is all too easy to focus on the negative.

My 25 years in the legal profession has provided a broad spectrum of experience. I started out with a business degree before switching to law. There is not much I haven’t seen over the years as a litigation practitioner dealing with crime, commercial disputes, housing, immigration and family law.

The main reason I opted to specialise in family law is that I enjoy working with people and helping them to tackle the personal and family issues which confront them. It is possible to make a tangible difference and to help clients empower themselves. People who, at the start of the divorce process, are fragile and vulnerable, grow in confidence. As they become more informed and comfortable about the legal process they become better equipped to make the necessary decisions.

Benussi & Co offers a team approach to problem solving, drawing on the experience of solicitors, counsellors, life coaches and other professionals. In this way we are able to support our clients to move their lives, and those of their children, forward.

· Helen Jane Arnold is a partner with Benussi & Co, specialising in complex high net worth, international and pension cases.

Technorati Tags: divorce,relationships,marriage

Give yourself time to heal from your divorce

By Neil Hobden

When I went through a divorce, nearly 20 years ago, I was pretty blasé about it. Give me three months, I remember saying to my brother, and I’ll be fine. I’ve never forgotten his response: “Yes, it will be three,” he said, “but years, not months.”

His words have stuck with me ever since because he was absolutely right; it did take about three years for me to recover fully from the divorce. And that very personal experience has helped me a great deal in my profession.

A lot of male clients are quick to tell me about their new girlfriend and where the relationship is heading. It’s a typical male thing – to flick a switch and move from one relationship to another. It’s the way I thought, too. What you don’t realise at the time is that divorce isn’t just a practical enterprise – sorting out the house, the car, the savings and so on. It’s also about feelings; and even if you think you have a grip on your own emotions, there’s another person involved and you have to deal with their feelings too.

So, what I know from experience is that while it might be possible to resolve the practical aspects of a divorce in three months, the emotional ripples will still be evident several years later.

The advice I give to male clients who think their new girlfriend is The One is that, however exciting and wonderful the romance might be, it will probably be the girlfriend after the girlfriend after this who becomes a long-term, and hopefully life-long, partner. That doesn’t mean they should ditch the new woman – just that it’s unnecessary and unwise to make any firm commitments, such as setting up home together, at such an early stage. If you haven’t sorted out one full-on relationship, how can you take on another?

I recommend people give themselves time and space. It might sound clichéd, but divorce is an opportunity to step back and reinvent yourself. I had seven years as a born-again single man, during my 30s, before I married again. I now have a lovely second wife and 11-year-old twin daughters.

The way I met my second wife is also something I am able to share with clients who fear they’ll never find love again. I met plenty of women, but in the wrong places, before a friend suggested I tried The Times’ Encounters column. He’d tried it himself because it was discreet, so I gave it a go – and the rest, as they say, is history. My wife and I lived only ten miles apart, but because our work took us in opposite directions every day, we wouldn’t otherwise have met. When we did, however, we discovered not only did we share the same values and interests, but our fathers had attended the same Oxford college and knew each other! So, after seven years as a single man, within 18 months I was married again and had a family.

It is for reasons such as this that divorce isn’t all doom and gloom: it really can, and does, throw up new opportunities. It helps you reassess your life in all sorts of areas and makes you think about what is really important. What I often say to clients is that divorce allows you to keep the best bits of your “old” life and junk the rest.

What matters when you go through a divorce is that it – in all its manifestations – gets sorted properly so that you come out of it in the right place. And that means taking things slowly rather than trying to gallop through it. It’s not easy to do, but accept that you’ve taken a battering and are going to feel vulnerable for some time. Resolve to use that time wisely by looking at ways to make changes – getting fit or altering your habits – so that you like yourself a lot more than perhaps you did before.

• Neil is a partner at Benussi & Co

Technorati Tags: marriage,relationships,divorce,partnership

Experience counts for everything in the divorce process

Our firm, Benussi & Co, was founded 16 years ago – yet we can call upon 150 years of experience. Between us – that’s 25 partners and staff – we have been guiding people through the divorce process for a century and a half!

The number of years is significant because, when you’re talking about divorce and matrimonial issues, experience is extremely important. And we’re not talking only about legal experience, although that is vital; experience of life is just as crucial. Many of us have been divorced ourselves, so we understand how our clients feel. What’s more, because we’ve been round the block a few times, we can also offer widespread knowledge, discretion and common sense. A 25-year-old lawyer – however good they are – can’t do that.

What we do at Benussi & Co is to help people get through the divorce process as successfully as possible, both emotionally and financially, but more than that, we help clients to live their lives after the divorce is completed. Life begins again at the decree absolute, but many people need advice and support to embrace that life to the full.

I remember a judge once saying to me: “Divorce is about managing people’s expectations” and that is precisely what we do.

I set up my first legal practice in 1982 but changed direction to establish this niche matrimonial and family law firm because, having gone through a divorce myself, I understood how difficult the process can be without a first-class and sympathetic lawyer on your side. My ambition was to set up a firm that was as highly regarded in its own field as the top UK major commercial law firms are in theirs. Today, 16 years on, our partners and staff share the same objective: a dignified, practical and workable outcome for our clients.

One of the things my experience has taught me is something I always say to clients: that there are likely to be occasions in the future – such as graduation ceremonies and weddings – when they are going to have to stand side by side with their former spouse. How much better it will be if they are able to do so with civility and dignity. Again, this is where the 150 years of experience at Benussi & Co counts for so much. Those of us who have been through difficult divorces have probably had thoughts of cutting the trouser legs off suits or ripping dresses to shreds, but we know that vengeful behaviour doesn’t work, especially in the long term. How we conduct ourselves not only has an impact on how others see us but how we feel about ourselves.

But we are not in the business of preaching at people: rather, we understand that people are personalities and that everyone and every divorce is unique. Because our partners and staff have so much diverse experience, we are able to empathise as well as advise.

Legal expertise is vital to securing clients the best outcome; life experience is vital to helping them start living again. That’s why those 150 years are so significant.

Technorati Tags: relationships,divorce,marriage

No formula for a happy marriage

By Georgina Burrows

The secret of a happy marriage, according to scientists, is for a wife to be smarter and at least five years younger than her husband.

Researchers have developed a distinctly unromantic formula to predict how compatible a couple are, based on their ages, education and relationship history. Those most likely to stay together are couples in which the woman is more educated than the man. He, however, should be five or more years older – and neither should have been divorced in the past.

Academics, including Dr Emmanuel Fragniere of the University of Bath, studied interviews of more than 1,500 couples who were married or in a serious relationship. Five years later, they followed up 1,000 of the couples to see which were still together. From this they were able to assess the factors that create a successful partnership – and those that spell failure.

Meanwhile, a survey conducted by Glasgow University has found that having children makes you happier – contradicting a host of other studies which have concluded that having children can ruin even the most blissful of relationships. Instead, it seems, the patter of tiny feet strengthens a partnership – but only if the parents are married. If a couple are simply living together, the birth of a child tends to bring discontent.

Well, all I can say to these findings, published in the media this week, is to quote Charles Darwin with the words "It is not the strongest species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the ones most responsive to change." More pertinently, I would add that if a happy marriage was as simple as choosing a partner who fitted the “formula” or deciding to have children then divorce lawyers would be going out of business pretty quickly!

Quite obviously that’s not the case. And the reason for that is quite simple: every couple’s relationship is unique. A marriage that looks sound “on paper” can founder, while a partnership that appears doomed to failure can flourish in the face of statistical evidence. It is those couples most able to adapt to changing circumstances together, such as the arrival of children or even financial difficulties brought about by redundancy, who are most likely to “survive” their marriage, whether the wife is older or younger, more intelligent or less intelligent, they have children or don’t have children.

I have a real problem with surveys that claim to know what relationships work best. Not just because you can’t apply a scientific formula to a human partnership, but also because such studies serve only to heap guilt on to those people whose marriages haven’t worked out because scientists say they have made a “wrong” choice.

No one opts for divorce lightly. People go their separate ways because the relationship isn’t working and usually it takes many months and even years of being unhappy and trying to make things work before that difficult decision is made. If after taking steps to resolve problems a marriage still isn’t working, it’s best to get out.

Formulas and statistics might give researchers an idea of what keeps couples together – or cause them to split up – but they don’t take into account the vagaries of life that can make or break a marriage.

• Georgina Burrows is a children law specialist at Benussi & Co

Technorati Tags: divorce,marriage,children

Itching for a divorce?

The “seven-year itch”, made famous by the 1955 film of the same name, is a phenomenon based on the assumption that marital dissatisfaction kicks in after seven years – and the temptation to be unfaithful becomes irresistible.

According to new statistics, however, Britons are sticking it out for a few years longer. Figures show that a marriage that ends in divorce has on average lasted 11.7 years.

This is a third longer than in 1985, when couples typically divorced after eight years and 47 weeks, suggesting the relationship probably hit the rocks after seven years.

Meanwhile, overall divorce rates in England and Wales have fallen to their lowest level since 1981 – there were 11.9 divorces for every 1,000 married people in 2007.

While analysts praised the growing durability of marriage, they pointed out that this has come about because fewer couples are choosing to tie the knot, with only the most committed doing so. Marriage rates are now the lowest since records began in the 1850s.

Michael Buchanan, the twice-divorced author of a new book called The Marriage Delusion, commented: “In previous centuries, people would get married early, have children and then be parted by the death of one or other, usually within a decade or two. Nowadays they can expect to live for four to five decades after marriage. It’s unrealistic to expect most people to sustain love and interest in each other for such long periods, especially if their children have grown up and moved out.”

Our firm acts for many clients who have been married for several decades; some have been unhappy in the relationship for almost as long, but have stayed because of the children or because they didn’t have the confidence to go it alone. Finally, however, they reach the decision to end the marriage and start their lives again.

On the other hand, opting out of a tired marriage after a few years might be ill-advised. Just because a relationship is no longer passionate or stimulating doesn’t mean it’s dead in the water. There is a lot to be said for feeling safe and comfortable with someone. Marriages, like friendships, go through phases – some better and worse than others. Your relationship might not be as wonderful as it once was – perhaps because children have taken the edge off it – but it doesn’t necessarily mean it is a failure. If you feel you’re going through the “itch”, sitting it out for a while might be the best option.

Marriages can get a second wind, especially when couples make a concerted effort to try to rejuvenate the relationship.

Why divorce can be good for business

According to a survey published this week, being married is more important than education or having a mortgage to service in helping the unemployed get back to work. The research found that married men are 33 per cent more likely to find a job after being made redundant than those who are single or divorced.

The study, by the Office for National Statistics and published in Economic & Labour Market Review, also revealed that being married was more important to finding work than having A-levels, which improved chances by 22 per cent, or a degree, which increased chances by 27 per cent. Having a mortgage also improved chances by 27 per cent. Presumably, this is because being married demonstrates commitment and a certain level of responsibility.

However, a survey of men – or women, for that matter – who are in work, especially those with high-earning jobs or who run their own companies would, I feel sure, yield a very different statistic. Namely, that divorce can actually be good for business.

Anecdotal evidence from our firm’s clients, many of them CEOs or holding other powerful positions, shows that when people are embroiled in divorce or separation they can take their eye off the ball. They may find it difficult to concentrate on their careers because their thoughts are elsewhere and they need to take time away from the office to visit lawyers and attend court.

As a result, their careers and businesses can suffer. But once the divorce is concluded and they are free to plough their own furrow, many people are able to re-connect with their work life. Many clients have said their careers and businesses picked up considerably once the divorce was finalised.

This can mean that even people who have had to part with a considerable sum of money in a financial settlement are able to make up the loss over time once their focus is back on their job. Many people find it helpful to put all their energy into work as they recover from their marriage breakdown.

So, if this new survey is to be believed, while divorce may affect people’s chances of finding work, it can also serve to breathe new vigour into careers and businesses.

Technorati Tags: finance,divorce,relationships,marriage

When divorce can make you feel suicidal

This week, Kevin McGee, the former civil partner of actor and comedian Matt Lucas, was found dead in his flat after apparently hanging himself. He was 32.

Media reports have referred to Mr McGee’s “heavy” cocaine habit as a possible contributory factor, but there are also indications that he was depressed over the breakdown of his relationship with the Little Britain star. The couple, who “married” in 2006, “divorced” earlier this year.

Mr Lucas, it seems, had found a new partner since the split, but Mr McGee lived alone in Edinburgh and, by all accounts, was lonely. “I hung out with Kevin a few times,” a neighbour was quoted as saying. “I think he was just a bit lonely...He had got himself a dog recently – you could tell he just wanted company.”

Divorce is always difficult and often traumatic. It should never be forgotten that divorce is akin to bereavement – you have lost someone you loved very much and with whom you shared your life. It is, therefore, extremely common for people to become depressed over a divorce, and untreated depression is the main cause of suicide.

A study carried out some years ago by the National Institute for Healthcare Research in Rockville, Maryland indicated that divorcees are three times as likely to kill themselves as people who are married. The Institute said that divorce ranked as the number one factor linked with suicide rates in major US cities, ranking above all other physical, financial and psychological factors.

A study of 13 European countries by the regional European office of the World Health Organisation found that divorce was the only factor linked with suicide in every one of the 13 countries.

While many people suffer mild depression after going through a divorce, the majority recover over time. Some, however, spiral into despair. The sense of loss is immeasurable and they cannot see a way to go on without the person they loved by their side.

Although being like bereavement, divorce does not attract the same level of sympathy as when a partner has died, which can make things even more difficult for someone who is struggling to cope.

The emotional fallout from divorce should never be underestimated, regardless of how much time has elapsed since the relationship breakdown. So if you are struggling to cope or feel severely depressed, please seek help. A visit to your GP is a good start and, if you feel suicidal, the Samaritans are just a ‘phone call away. They can be contacted on 08457 90 90 90.

Technorati Tags: bereavement,divorce,relationships,breakdown